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The chart below shows the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in different levels of school education. v.1

The chart below shows the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in different levels of school education. v. 1
A glance at the graphs provided reveals the number of female students per 100 male students in three different education levels both in poor countries and affluent countries in 1990 and 2000 and its target in 2005. Overall, it is evident that female students’ number in affluent countries was higher than the poor one. First of all, in elementary school of poor countries, there was a slight increase of female students number from 83 pupils in 1990 to 87 pupils in 2000, while female pupils in affluent one rose slowly to somewhere in the vicinity of 96 pupils in 2000. The target, furthermore, would be 100 pupils in 2005. In addition, in junior high school, the poor experienced a considerable growth around 10 pupils over this period of time. The affluent one, meanwhile, levelled off almost 100 female pupils. Whereas, the target was always same in three different education levels. In senior high school, moreover, from a negligible 66 students in 1990, the number of female students in poor countries saw a rapid climb approximately 75 students in 2000. In affluent countries, whereas, it increased significantly more than its target around 105 and 112 students in 1990 and 2000 respectively.
A glance at the graphs provided reveals the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
per 100 male
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students
in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
education levels both in
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poor
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countries
and
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affluent
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countries
in 1990 and 2000 and its
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target
in 2005.
Overall
, it is evident that
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
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number
in
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affluent
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countries
was higher than the
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poor
one.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in elementary school of
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poor
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countries
, there was a slight increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
from 83
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pupils
in 1990 to 87
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pupils
in 2000, while
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
in
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affluent
one rose
slowly
to somewhere in the vicinity of 96
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pupils
in 2000. The
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target
,
furthermore
, would be 100
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pupils
in 2005.

In addition
, in junior high school, the
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poor
experienced a considerable growth around 10
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pupils
over this period of time. The
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affluent
one, meanwhile, levelled off almost 100
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the
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target
was always same in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
education levels.

In senior high school,
moreover
, from a negligible 66
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students
in 1990, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a rapid climb approximately 75
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in 2000. In
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affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, whereas, it increased
significantly
more than its
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target
around 105 and 112
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in 1990 and 2000
respectively
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS academic The chart below shows the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in different levels of school education. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
200 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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