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The chart below shows rite expenditure on three categories with different proportions among residents in the UK in 2004 v.2

The chart below shows rite expenditure on three categories with different proportions among residents in the UK in 2004 v. 2
The bar chart compares the percentage of spending by British on three different items in 2004. It is noticeable that the main residents’ expenditure is food and drink in most age groups, compares to other two categories. Overall, senior citizens were more willing to entertain themselves. To be more specific, the proportion of family budget spent on food ascended steadily with age, except 25% in the oldest one. Similarly, the figures for entertainment presented a rising trend, and the data tops in 60-75 group, at around 23%. As we can see from the bar chart, restaurant and hotel had a relatively lower figure and its figure reduced from age. It is interesting to mention that middle-aged people and the elderly tended to spend the same percentage of accommodation, with just over 10% respectively. To sum up, the costs of people who are under 30 year old are most on restaurant and hotel and less on food and drink and entertainment. Citizens from 30 to 60 years old putted similar money on three different parts. People about 60 to 75 year old putted a lot of money on entertainment while older people putted most of money on food and drink.
The bar chart compares the percentage of spending by British on three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
items in 2004. It is noticeable that the main residents’ expenditure is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and drink in most age groups, compares to other two categories.
Overall
, senior citizens were more willing to entertain themselves.

To be more specific, the proportion of family budget spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
ascended
steadily
with age, except 25% in the oldest one.
Similarly
, the figures for entertainment presented a rising trend, and the data tops in 60-75 group, at around 23%.

As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
from the bar chart, restaurant and hotel had a
relatively
lower figure and its figure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
from age. It is interesting to mention that middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the elderly tended to spend the same percentage of accommodation, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 10%
respectively
.

To sum up, the costs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are under 30 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
are
Did you mean "the most"?
most
on restaurant and hotel and less on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and drink and entertainment. Citizens from 30 to 60 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
putted similar money on three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
parts.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
about 60 to 75 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
putted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money on entertainment while older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
putted
Consider using "most money" or "most of the money".
most of money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and drink.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS academic The chart below shows rite expenditure on three categories with different proportions among residents in the UK in 2004 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
199 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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