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The below graph illustrates the various roadblocks that entrepreneurs face while opening their own company. v.2

The below graph illustrates the various roadblocks that entrepreneurs face while opening their own company. v. 2
The plotted graph provides information regarding the beginners that they experienced twelve types of challenges when they start a new business. Every challenge further divided percentage-wise in three different categories, which were a major barrier, minor barrier and not a barrier. Looking at the chart, IT roadblocks were a major barrier in all about 47% for new startups. In comparison, only 13% of entrepreneurs found major difficulties in the privacy laws of their new firm. Moreover, it was also predominantly highest just near the half in the minor barrier category which was followed by a lack of knowledge with 47%. The two categories, the not enough data and too much data was not a barrier for more than 44% businessman. Besides, the almost similar trend was observed for the lack of budget and lack of staff in three groups. Similarly, the same trend also confronted for inability to translate data into action and organizational silos with minor fluctuation for all types of barriers. Overall, the percentage for the major barrier was significantly higher in almost all as compared to not a barrier. However, the figure for the minor barrier was quite nearer for all except few categories.
The plotted graph provides information regarding the beginners that they experienced twelve types of challenges when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a new business. Every challenge
further
divided percentage-wise in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
categories
, which were a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
barrier
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
barrier
and not a barrier.

Looking at the chart, IT roadblocks were a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
barrier
in all about 47% for new startups.
In comparison
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
13% of entrepreneurs found
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
difficulties in the privacy laws of their new firm.
Moreover
, it was
also
predominantly
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
near the half in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
barrier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
category
which
was followed
by a lack of knowledge with 47%.

The two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
categories
, the not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
data and too much data was not a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
barrier
for more than 44% businessman.
Besides
, the almost similar trend
was observed
for the lack of budget and lack of staff in three groups.
Similarly
, the same trend
also
confronted for inability to translate data into action and organizational silos with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
fluctuation for all types of barriers.

Overall
, the percentage for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
barrier
was
significantly
higher in almost all as compared to not a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
barrier
.
However
, the figure for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
barrier
was quite nearer for all except few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
categories
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS academic The below graph illustrates the various roadblocks that entrepreneurs face while opening their own company. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
197 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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