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The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period. v.2

The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period. v. 2
The bar chart illustrates the unemployment rate among the male and female graduates who are in the age range of 20 to 24 in Europe in the years 2008 and 2009. In general, it is apparent that male graduates had a higher unemployment rate than female graduates over the time frame. First and foremost, from January to April 2008, a decreasing trend was detected for both men and women. There was 10% of male graduates who were unemployed in January 2008 and dropped slightly to about 7. 5% in April and remained constant until July 2008 compared to about 7. 5% and just above 5% in January 2008 and April 2008 respectively for women. There were the same percentages of unemployment for both male and female in April and July 2008. A similar trend can be seen in the percentage of unemployed graduates starting from October 2008 to July 2009. The male graduates’ unemployment rate was just over 15% in October 2008 and decline moderately to approximately 12% in January 2009, and reached just over 10% in July 2009. Interestingly, unemployed female graduate decreases from October 2008 to April 2009 continually before a dramatic increase in July 2009. A sharp rise in the unemployment rate for both genders can be observed after July 2009 and eventually peaked at around 23% for men and just under 15% for female in October 2009.
The bar chart illustrates the
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unemployment
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rate
among the male and
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
who are in the age range of 20 to 24 in Europe in the years 2008 and 2009.
In general
, it is apparent that male
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graduates
had a higher
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unemployment
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rate
than
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female
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graduates
over the time frame.

First
and foremost, from January to April 2008, a decreasing trend
was detected
for both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women. There was 10% of male
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graduates
who
were unemployed
in January 2008 and dropped
slightly
to about 7. 5% in April and remained constant until July 2008 compared to about 7. 5% and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 5% in January 2008 and April 2008
respectively
for women. There were the same percentages of
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unemployment
for both male and
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female
in April and July 2008. A similar trend can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the percentage of unemployed
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graduates
starting from October 2008 to July 2009. The male
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graduates’
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unemployment
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rate
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 15% in October 2008 and decline
moderately
to approximately 12% in January 2009, and reached
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 10% in July 2009.

Interestingly
, unemployed
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female
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graduate
decreases from October 2008 to April 2009
continually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a dramatic increase in July 2009. A sharp rise in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
for both genders can
be observed
after July 2009 and
eventually
peaked at around 23% for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 15% for
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female
in October 2009.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
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IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
231 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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