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in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v.2

in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v. 2
Most students have homework to at home after learning at school. So obviously that they are expected study more at home. This trend could be both benefit and adverse. Studying both in and after school will help students to have basic knowledge of any subject. So that they will easily get good marks in examinations. that is the advantages, what about the disadvantages of this trend. studying both in and afer school means that students will have to devoted a huge amount of time to do it. in my opinion, spending excessive study time might cause negative effects on both children and the society. young people tend to getting tired and bored after studying for a while. they feel less happier and may suffer psychological of mental illness. even worse, some data show that the rising rate of suicide and anti society behavior could be the consequence of this matter. thus, spending too much time studying make children lose the opportunities for socialize through outdoor activities. it also have a huge impact to the society like causing lower employment rate. student will lack of fundamental communication skills, interpersonal skills and team work. in conclusion, studying both in and after school can benefit but it also be a huge impact to children' s life.
Most
students
have homework to at home after learning at
school
.
So
obviously
that they are
expected
study more at home. This trend could be both benefit and adverse.

Studying both in and after
school
will
help
students
to have basic knowledge of any subject.
So that
they will
easily
get
good
marks in examinations.

that
is the advantages, what about the disadvantages of this trend.
studying
both in and
afer
school
means that
students
will have
to devoted
a huge amount of time to do it. in my opinion, spending excessive study time might cause
negative
effects on both children and the society.
young
people
tend to getting tired and bored after
studying
for a while.
they
feel
less happier
and may suffer psychological of mental illness.
even
worse,
some
data
show
that the rising rate of suicide and anti society behavior could be the consequence of this matter.
thus
, spending too much time
studying
make
children lose the opportunities for socialize through outdoor activities.
it
also
have
a huge impact to the society like causing lower employment rate.
student
will lack of fundamental communication
skills
, interpersonal
skills
and team work.

in
conclusion,
studying
both in and after
school
can benefit
but
it
also
be
a huge impact to
children&
#039; s life.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
16Mistakes

IELTS academic in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
213 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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