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in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v.2

in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v. 2
Most students have homework to at home after learning at school. So obviously that they are expected study more at home. This trend could be both benefit and adverse. Studying both in and after school will help students to have basic knowledge of any subject. So that they will easily get good marks in examinations. that is the advantages, what about the disadvantages of this trend. studying both in and afer school means that students will have to devoted a huge amount of time to do it. in my opinion, spending excessive study time might cause negative effects on both children and the society. young people tend to getting tired and bored after studying for a while. they feel less happier and may suffer psychological of mental illness. even worse, some data show that the rising rate of suicide and anti society behavior could be the consequence of this matter. thus, spending too much time studying make children lose the opportunities for socialize through outdoor activities. it also have a huge impact to the society like causing lower employment rate. student will lack of fundamental communication skills, interpersonal skills and team work. in conclusion, studying both in and after school can benefit but it also be a huge impact to children' s life.
Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have homework to at home after learning at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
obviously
that they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
study more at home. This trend could be both benefit and adverse.

Studying both in and after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to have basic knowledge of any subject.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
they will
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks in examinations.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
that
is the advantages, what about the disadvantages of this trend.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
studying
both in and
Possible spelling mistake found.
afer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will have
Did you mean "to devote"?
to devoted
a huge amount of time to do it. in my opinion, spending excessive study time might cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on both children and the society.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to getting tired and bored after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
for a while.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
feel
Non-standard use of the comparative or superlative. Did you mean "less happy"?
less happier
and may suffer psychological of mental illness.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
even
worse,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that the rising rate of suicide and anti society behavior could be the consequence of this matter.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
thus
, spending too much time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children lose the opportunities for socialize through outdoor activities.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
also
Did you mean "has"?
have
a huge impact to the society like causing lower employment rate.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
student
will lack of fundamental communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and team work.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
both in and after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can benefit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
Did you mean "is"?
be
a huge impact to
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s life.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
16Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS academic in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
213 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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