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In June 1996, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled in a large country town on females only. The result of this survey is presented in the following illustration. v.3

In June 1996, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled in a large country town on females only. The result of this survey is presented in the following illustration. v. 3
The graphs provide the results of a survey on the flu vaccine trial conducted in a large country town on females in June 1996. Overall, despite the vaccination, more females were affected by the flu and the death rate was also higher in females, especially among older women. The line graph illustrates the prevalence of the flu among both genders. As seen from the graph, from February to April, a steep increase in flu rates was seen - 1000 females and around 600 males. In the middle of the year, a dramatic increase was noticed; reaching a peak of 3500 in females and above 2500 in males in June at which point the injection experiment was done. Although the flu rates began to drop after June, prevalence was still higher among females (2500) as compared to males (1500). The bar graph illustrates the death rate from flu; from June to August, 4 women died, while only 2 men had expired. In contrast, from March to May, no male mortality was reported and 1 woman died. Finally from the pie chart, despite immunization over a quarter of girls and 35% of geriatric women were at more risk than other females from other age groups.
The
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graphs
provide the results of a survey on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
vaccine trial conducted in a large country town on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in June 1996.

Overall
, despite the vaccination, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
and the death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
was
also
higher in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
,
especially
among older women.

The line
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graph
illustrates the prevalence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
among both genders. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graph
, from February to April, a steep increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
1000
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females
and around 600
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males
. In the middle of the year, a dramatic increase
was noticed
; reaching a peak of 3500 in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
and above 2500 in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
in June at which point the injection experiment
was done
. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
began to drop after June, prevalence was
still
higher among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
(2500) as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
(1500).

The bar
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graph
illustrates the death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
; from June to August, 4 women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
2
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
had expired.
In contrast
, from March to May, no male mortality
was reported
and 1 woman
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
from the pie chart, despite immunization over a quarter of girls and 35% of geriatric women were at more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
from other age groups.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS academic In June 1996, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled in a large country town on females only. The result of this survey is presented in the following illustration. v. 3

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
203 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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