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In April 2006, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled on females in a large town. The graphs outline the effect of this vaccination in this town. v.1

In April 2006, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled on females in a large town. The graphs outline the effect of this vaccination in this town. v. 1
The bar graph shows the number of deceased people in a town in 2006, the year when a flu vaccine was trailed, the pie chart presents the ratio of complaints from different patients due to vaccinations and finally the line graph outlines the flu rates among people in this town throughout the year. According to the bar graph, 2 females died in the town in question in 2005 while no male death was recorded in this year. In 2006, the year the flu vaccine experimented on females in this town, 4 women passed away. However, a male also died in 2006. The pie chart reveals that the highest percentages of complaints (35%) came from the elderly women (over 65 years). Almost a quarter of the total objections were related to adolescents and 13% related to women who were not given the vaccine. 28% of those objections were made by people who were under medical treatments. The line graph shows that the flu rate among females was higher throughout the years. In March 2003 around 1000 females suffered from the flu while this was exactly the half among men. After the vaccination in April 2006, the flu cases actually surged. In May 2006, 3500 females had some kind of flues while just over 2500 men suffered from it. After August, the number of cases stabilized but was higher than the earlier of the year, around 2750 cases for female and just below 1500 for men.
The bar
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graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the number of deceased
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in a
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town
in 2006, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
when a
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flu
vaccine
was trailed
, the pie chart presents the ratio of complaints from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
patients due to vaccinations and
finally
the line
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graph
outlines the
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flu
rates among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in this
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town
throughout the year.

According to the bar
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graph
, 2
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females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
in the
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town
in question in 2005 while no male death
was recorded
in this
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year
. In 2006, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
vaccine experimented on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
, 4 women passed away.
However
, a male
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
in 2006.

The pie chart reveals that the highest percentages of complaints (35%) came from the elderly women (over 65 years). Almost a quarter of the total objections
were related
to adolescents and 13% related to women who were not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the vaccine. 28% of those objections
were made
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who were under medical treatments.

The line
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graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
rate among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
was higher throughout the years. In March 2003 around 1000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
suffered from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
while this was exactly the half among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. After the vaccination in April 2006, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
cases actually surged. In May 2006, 3500
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of flues while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 2500
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
suffered from it. After August, the number of cases stabilized
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
was higher than the
Use "earliest" if you mean to express an extreme with this adjective.
earlier
of the
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year
, around 2750 cases for
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female
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 1500 for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS academic In April 2006, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled on females in a large town. The graphs outline the effect of this vaccination in this town. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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