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In June 1996, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled in a large country town on females only. The result of this survey is presented in the following illustration. v.2

In June 1996, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled in a large country town on females only. The result of this survey is presented in the following illustration. v. 2
The illustration outlines the outcome of a flu vaccine trial among females in a big town in June 1996. Overall, the experimental flu vaccine was not effective in terms of its result on females. The diagrams reveal that flue rate was generally higher among women than that of men in 1996. From April 1996 to June 1996, the infected people’s number increased swiftly and more female became vulnerable to the flu than that of men. At the beginning of June, the number of male patients was somewhat 2500 compared to 3500 females at which point the injection was tested among women. Though it might seem that the flu contamination among female decreased afterwards, the overall flu rate among males gives a different scenario. During August until the end of the year, around 2500 females were recorded to have flue while this number was a thousand fewer for males. Interestingly, only 1 female died from flu during March to May 1996, but after the vaccination, the death case rose – 4 female and 2 male death cases were recorded between June and August. Finally, almost a quarter of female child and 35% elder females were at risk despite the immunization. 13% needed medical attention while just over a quarter who did not receive the injection were also at risk.
The illustration outlines the outcome of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
vaccine trial among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
town in June 1996.
Overall
, the experimental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
vaccine was not effective in terms of its result on females.

The diagrams reveal that flue rate was
generally
higher among women than that of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in 1996. From April 1996 to June 1996, the infected
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s number increased
swiftly
and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
became vulnerable to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
than that of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. At the beginning of June, the number of male patients was somewhat 2500
Possible agreement error. The noun 'compared' seems to be countable, so consider using: "compares".
compared
to 3500
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
at which point the injection was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tested
among women. Though it might seem that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
contamination among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
decreased afterwards, the
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
flu
rate among males gives a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
scenario. During August until the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the year, around 2500
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
were recorded
to have flue while this number was a thousand fewer for males.

Interestingly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
1
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
from
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flu
during March to May 1996,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after the vaccination, the death case rose
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
4
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and 2 male death cases
were recorded
between June and August.

Finally
, almost a quarter of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
child and 35% elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
were at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
despite the immunization. 13% needed medical attention while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over a quarter who did not receive the injection were
also
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic In June 1996, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled in a large country town on females only. The result of this survey is presented in the following illustration. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
218 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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