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Your mentor recommended you to learn a new language and gave you contact details of a teacher. Following his advice, you need to write a letter to the teacher. v.3

Your mentor recommended you to learn a new language and gave you contact details of a teacher. Following his advice, you need to write a letter to the teacher. v. 3
Dear Mr Haruki, Hope this letter finds you in good health and spirit. First of all, please let me apologize to you because I am writing this letter to you without your prior permission, but I am writing on the advice of a well-respected person, whom you know personally, named Mr Jonathon Kyle. Mr Jonathon, my mentor, has spoken very highly of you. Now, please allow me to spell out why I am writing a letter to you. Actually, I am planning to learn the Japanese language, and I was told that you could teach me this language within a short period of time. I have heard that your teaching method is very proficient and it will certainly be helpful to me. I would also love to learn about how to be proficient in business communication in the Japanese language from you. Anyway, in case if you are wondering, I think that learning the Japanese language would provide me with some extra leverage in obtaining international employment opportunities, especially, in Japan. Besides, I have a few friends in Japan with whom I would like to talk to in their native language. And, I am ready to take the language lesson as soon as you ask. So, please let me know when I can start, and what I need to do before you can be ready to provide the language lesson for me. Yours faithfully, Robin Singh
Dear Mr
Possible spelling mistake found.
Haruki
,

Hope this letter finds you in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health and spirit.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me apologize to you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I am writing this letter to you without your prior permission,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I am writing on the advice of a well-respected person, whom you know
personally
, named Mr Jonathon Kyle.

Mr Jonathon, my mentor, has spoken
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
highly
of you.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
me to spell out why I am writing a letter to you. Actually, I am planning to learn the Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, and I was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
that you could teach me this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
within a short period of time. I have heard that your teaching method is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
proficient and it will
certainly
be helpful to me. I would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to learn about how to be proficient in business communication in the Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
from you.

Anyway, in case if you are wondering, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that learning the Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
would provide me with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extra leverage in obtaining international employment opportunities,
especially
, in Japan.
Besides
, I have a few friends in Japan with whom I would like to talk to in their native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
. And, I am ready to take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
lesson as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as you ask.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me know when I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, and what I need to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
you can be ready to provide the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
lesson for me.

Yours
faithfully
,

Robin Singh
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS letter Your mentor recommended you to learn a new language and gave you contact details of a teacher. Following his advice, you need to write a letter to the teacher. v. 3

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
235 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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