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You were hurt in a minor accident inside a supermarket, and you wish to complain to the supermarket. v.1

You were hurt in a minor accident inside a supermarket, and you wish to complain to the supermarket. v. 1
Dear Sir or Madam, Two days ago I went to your supermall to do some shopping and got injured by a minor accident. I am writing to inform you how this accident took place and what you can do to prevent such accidents in the future. I am hoping that you would take steps so that no other shopper fall victim to similar incidents. I am Shahin Shah and I live a few blocks away from your supermall. I have been a loyal customer to your business for more than 4 years. In relation to the specifics of the event, I went to your store to buy some fresh vegetables and fruits on 27th September at around 7: 30 pm. Just after I took a shopping cart, a woman with her groceries collided with me. I cannot say that it was entirely her fault as she was over 70 years old and sufficient light was not present at that corner of the mall. In addition, the floor was slippery. So, this unavoidable accident occurred as the lack of attention by your management. Though this was a minor accident, it could have been worse! Hundreds of people, including children and senior citizens go shopping to your mall every day. It is your responsibility to maintain this place to avoid such a mishap. Please arrange more electric bulbs at that corner of your shop and dry the wet floor immediately to avoid the unexpected accidents. I hope you will give immediate attention to this matter. Yours faithfully, Shahin Shah
Dear Sir or Madam,

Two days ago I went to your
Possible spelling mistake found.
supermall
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
shopping and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
injured by a minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accident
. I am writing to inform you how this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accident
took place and what you can do to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
in the future. I am hoping that you would take steps
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that no other shopper fall victim to similar incidents.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shahin
Shah and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a few blocks away from your
Possible spelling mistake found.
supermall
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
have been a loyal customer to your business for more than 4 years.

In relation to the specifics of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, I went to your store to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fresh vegetables and fruits on 27th September at around 7: 30 pm.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
after I took a shopping cart, a woman with her groceries collided with me. I cannot say that it was
entirely
her fault as she was over 70 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and sufficient light was not present at that corner of the mall.
In addition
, the floor was slippery.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this unavoidable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accident
occurred as the lack of attention by your management. Though this was a minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accident
, it could have been worse!

Hundreds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, including children and senior citizens go shopping to your mall every day. It is your responsibility to maintain this place to avoid such a mishap.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Please
arrange more electric bulbs at that corner of your shop and dry the wet floor immediately to avoid the unexpected accidents.

I hope you will give immediate attention to this matter.

Yours
faithfully
,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Shahin
Shah
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS letter You were hurt in a minor accident inside a supermarket, and you wish to complain to the supermarket. v. 1

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
256 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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