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You recently bought a smartphone from a specialised store, but it is not working properly. You have called the shop several times but no action has been taken. Give details of the mobile phone you purchased and when you bought it. Describe the problems you are having with the smartphone Explain what happens when you called the shop

You recently bought a smartphone from a specialised store, but it is not working properly. You have called the shop several times but no action has been taken. Give details of the mobile phone you purchased and when you bought it. Describe the problems you are having with the smartphone Explain what happens when you called the shop Yde8V
Dear Sir, I am Jay, I bought a Samsung smartphone Z20 two days ago from your galaxy world store at the city centre branch. Unfortunately, I have to say that this smartphone has many issues such as whenever I call somebody I can not hear it might be a microphone issue, along with the phone's battery dropping quickly within three hours. I am truly disappointed to purchase this type of phone. I have called you several times at the store but no one talked to me appropriately and guided me how to resolve this issue. I am dissatisfied with your store services and staff. I would like to return this phone with a full refund. I am highly disappointed with your store services. I would like to return this smartphone. Looking forward to hearing your response as soon as possible. Please consider my request with extra refund money. Thanks Jay
Dear Sir,

I am Jay, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a Samsung smartphone Z20 two days ago from your galaxy world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
at the city
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
branch. Unfortunately, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
say that this smartphone has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues such as whenever I call somebody I can not hear it might be a microphone issue, along with the phone's battery dropping
quickly
within three hours. I am
truly
disappointed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
this type of phone. I have called you several times at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no one talked to me
appropriately
and guided me how to resolve this issue.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am dissatisfied
with your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
services and staff.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
would like to return this phone with a full refund.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am
highly
disappointed with your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
services.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
would like to return this smartphone. Looking forward to hearing your response as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Please
consider my request with extra refund money.

When a person is directly addressed, a comma should set off the name: "Thanks, Jay"?
Thanks Jay

IELTS letter You recently bought a smartphone from a specialised store, but it is not working properly. You have called the shop several times but no action has been taken. Give details of the mobile phone you purchased and when you bought it. Describe the problems you are having with the smartphone Explain what happens when you called the shop

Letter
  American English
3 paragraphs
149 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • You recently bought a smartphone from a specialised store, but it is not working properly. You have called the shop several times but no action has been taken. Give details of the mobile phone you purchased and when you bought it. Describe the problems you are having with the smartphone Explain what happens when you called the shop