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You have noticed a room at your company office that can be used as a relaxation room. Write a letter to your manager and ask to use the room for this purpose. v.2

You have noticed a room at your company office that can be used as a relaxation room. Write a letter to your manager and ask to use the room for this purpose. v. 2
Dear Mr Oscar, Hope all is well at your end. I work in the same department as yours under your supervision. Anyway, I am writing this letter to suggest that a room, which is occasionally used as a storage facility in the western corner of our office, can be used as an additional relaxation room for our staffs. I am especially keen to use this room as an additional relaxation room because the room we already use for the same purpose seems to be rather small. As a result, a number of our staffs are always seen to be roaming outside of our office which certainly doesn’t go well with the reputation and professionalism of our office staff. On the other hand, the unused room seems to be larger than the existing relaxation room, and all it needs is some good paint works, some nice furniture and a TV before it can be a fully functional relaxation room. We will also move the existing furniture to this room. So, if you like my suggestion, please let me know, and I would be more than happy to go ahead and turn this unused room into a nice recreational room for our valuable staff. Yours sincerely, Joseph Emanuel
Dear Mr Oscar,

Hope all is well at your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
. I work in the same department as yours under your supervision. Anyway, I am writing this letter to suggest that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
, which is
occasionally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a storage facility in the western corner of our office, can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as an additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relaxation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
for our staffs.

I am
especially
keen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
as an additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relaxation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
we already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for the same purpose seems to be
rather
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
.
As a result
, a number of our staffs are always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to be roaming
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
our office which
certainly
doesn’t go well with the reputation and professionalism of our office staff.

On the other hand
, the unused
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
seems to be larger than the existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relaxation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
, and all it needs is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
paint works,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nice furniture and a TV
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it can be a
fully
functional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relaxation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
. We will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
the existing furniture to this room.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if you like my suggestion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me know, and I would be more than happy to go ahead and turn this unused
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
into a nice recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
for our valuable staff.

Yours
sincerely
,

Joseph Emanuel
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS letter You have noticed a room at your company office that can be used as a relaxation room. Write a letter to your manager and ask to use the room for this purpose. v. 2

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
205 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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