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You have noticed a room at your company office that can be used as a relaxation room. Write a letter to your manager and ask to use the room for this purpose. v.1

You have noticed a room at your company office that can be used as a relaxation room. Write a letter to your manager and ask to use the room for this purpose. v. 1
Dear Mr Bradley, I am a junior executive in your organisation and have been working here for the last 2 years. I believe a few more recreational facilities would refresh us to produce better output and for that, we can convert a spare room into the relaxation and sports room in our office. I am hoping you would consider my idea and take steps to make it happen. The idea popped into my head when I attended a meeting at the H& G group's head office. They have a large room for recreation and relaxation and their HR mentioned that it actually increased their employee satisfaction and overall performance. I would like to have a recreation room in our office as well. As a matter of fact, I have talked to some of my colleagues and all of them welcomed the idea. The meeting room on the third floor is no longer used and could be an ideal room for our staffs to rest, socialise and enjoy their time and unlax their pressure. This room already has a large table and a few chairs. It needs a large table tennis board, a few more chairs, a sofa set and a couple of exercise machines. I hope you would consider converting the room into a relaxation room and allow us to have an even better office environment. Yours sincerely, Rohan Maxim
Dear Mr Bradley,

I am a junior executive in your
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
and have been working here for the last 2 years. I believe a few more recreational facilities would refresh us to produce better output and for that, we can convert a spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
into the relaxation and sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am hoping you would consider my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and take steps to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it happen.

The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
popped into my head when I attended a meeting at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
H&
G group's head
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
. They have a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
for recreation and relaxation and their HR mentioned that it actually increased their employee satisfaction and
overall
performance. I would like to have a recreation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
as well
. As a matter of fact, I have talked to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of my colleagues and all of them welcomed the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

The meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
on the third floor is no longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
and could be an ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
for our staffs to rest,
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
and enjoy their time and
Possible spelling mistake found.
unlax
their pressure. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
already has a large table and a few chairs. It needs a large table tennis board, a few more chairs, a sofa set and a couple of exercise machines.

I hope you would consider converting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
into a relaxation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
us to have an even better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
environment.

Yours
sincerely
,

Rohan Maxim
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS letter You have noticed a room at your company office that can be used as a relaxation room. Write a letter to your manager and ask to use the room for this purpose. v. 1

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
229 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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