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You have just bought a new mobile phone from a website on the internet. When it was delivered, the phone was faulty. v.3

You have just bought a new mobile phone from a website on the internet. When it was delivered, the phone was faulty. v. 3
Dear Sir or Madam, I have recently purchased an iPhone (7 Plus, 128 GB, black colour) from your online store and to my utmost surprise, when I unwrapped the packet, I found a faulty phone instead of a fresh and new one. I am hoping that you would replace it soon. I am Sarah Liam, a resident of the Edmonton, Alberta, placed the order on 14th March 2019 from your e-commerce website. The order number is STR-4546514 and I paid with my VISA credit card. Next day when the parcel reached my home, I stripped the package only to notice that I was delivered a defective phone. First of all, the phone screen has some visible scratch marks, which is unlikely. The internal memory of the phone is 64 GB, though I ordered a 128 GB phone! This must have been an oversight from your delivery department. The phone hanged after a few minutes only to deepen my disappointment. I have not paid for a faulty or refurbished phone and would like to hear why I was delivered a flawed product in the first place. Moreover, I expect someone from your company replaces my phone at my location so that I do not have to travel to your office. I am attaching a copy of my order confirmation email and receipt with this letter for your kind consideration. Yours faithfully, Sarah Liam
Dear Sir or Madam,

I have recently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
an iPhone (7 Plus, 128 GB, black
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
) from your online store and to my utmost surprise, when I unwrapped the packet, I found a faulty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
instead
of a fresh and new one. I am hoping that you would replace it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am Sarah Liam, a resident of the Edmonton, Alberta, placed the order on 14th March 2019 from your e-commerce website. The order number is STR-4546514 and I paid with my VISA credit card.
Next
day when the parcel reached my home, I stripped the package
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to notice that I
was delivered
a defective phone.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
screen has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
visible scratch marks, which is unlikely. The internal memory of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is 64 GB, though I ordered a 128 GB
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
! This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have been an oversight from your delivery department. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
hanged after a few minutes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to deepen my disappointment.

I have not paid for a faulty or refurbished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and would like to hear why I
was delivered
a flawed product in the
first
place.
Moreover
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
someone from your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
replaces my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
at my location
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
travel to your office.

I am attaching a copy of my order confirmation email and receipt with this letter for your kind consideration.

Yours
faithfully
,

Sarah Liam
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS letter You have just bought a new mobile phone from a website on the internet. When it was delivered, the phone was faulty. v. 3

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
231 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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