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The bar chart below shows a survey of young professionals aged 20-30 who were asked which factors motivated to succeed v.2

The bar chart below shows a survey of young professionals aged 20-30 who were asked which factors motivated to succeed v. 2
The chart shows a survey of 20-30 aged professionals that were asked to state which are their motivating factors to success. Generally, the most motivating factors are both from internal and external influences. Meanwhile, negative factors like failure, envy, or feeling inadequate accounts for the least. More than half of the attendants stated that personal satisfaction, ambition pressure from family and society are their factors motivating to success. In details, personal satisfaction and ambition account or about 80%, as well as the highest percentage shown on the chart. The other two also do not has much difference in proportions, around 60% and 70% respectively. Both rivalry and desire for material things account for 50%, and followed by not-much-less percentages of peer pressure and money, at around 45% in both. On the contrary, fear of failure, jealousy and feeling inadequate show humble percentages on the chart, which are also in the group that has the least proportions. They all account for under 40%, about 27%, 30% and 33% respectively.
The chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a survey of 20-30 aged professionals that were
This is a collocation error. You do not need a preposition after 'asked'. Remove it: "asked".
asked to
state which are their motivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
to success.

Generally
, the most motivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
are both from internal and external influences. Meanwhile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like failure, envy, or feeling inadequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accounts
for the least.

More than half of the attendants stated that personal satisfaction, ambition pressure from family and society are their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
motivating to success. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, personal satisfaction and ambition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
account
or about 80%,
as well
as the highest percentage shown on the chart. The other two
also
do not
Did you mean "have"?
has
much difference in proportions, around 60% and 70%
respectively
.

Both rivalry and desire for material things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
account
for 50%, and followed by not-much-less percentages of peer pressure and money, at around 45% in both.

On the contrary
, fear of failure, jealousy and feeling inadequate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
humble percentages on the chart, which are
also
in the group that has the least proportions. They all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
account
for under 40%, about 27%, 30% and 33%
respectively
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS letter The bar chart below shows a survey of young professionals aged 20-30 who were asked which factors motivated to succeed v. 2

Letter
  American English
5 paragraphs
168 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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