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people live longer today than in the past so they should stay in the workforce longer. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

people live longer today than in the past so they should stay in the workforce longer. 7pPb2
Nowadays, many old people are healthier than in the past and as a result they are living longer so they need to attend in the work processes in more times. To begin with, I partially agree that older people should participate in the work acts. On the one hand, there is qualities will be better in manufacturers or in offices. Because elder have more experienced than youth. This results benefit to work more facilities. Furthermore, newcomers to work can learn more from experienced workers. In other hand, it can be harmful to the economy of that work place. For instance, in my country if pensioners work with retired status, they can receive salary except pension. Therefore, over time companies should sort only hard-working and devoted workers. In my opinion, organizations which workers are retired people, they should introduces some opportunities that can provide relaxation in recreation areas. Because, relaxation gives concentration to older. Then, government must be responsible for this rules and should control it. besides, in many countries, science of medicine should be explained and then youth can help to their tutor in emergency condition. Because heart attacks are more common in the elderly. If such work is not done, it could lead to an increase in elderly mortality. It may be big damage for factories and offices. In conclusion, elderly people teach us to be experienced and qualified specialist. So that following their feedbacks and advices will be profitable for our future
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are healthier than in the past and
as a result
they are living longer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they need to attend in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
processes in more times.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should participate in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
acts. On the one hand,
Did you mean "there are qualities"?
there is qualities
will be better in manufacturers or in offices.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
elder have more experienced than youth.
Did you mean "these"?
This
results benefit to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more facilities.
Furthermore
, newcomers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can learn more from experienced workers. In other hand, it can be harmful to the economy of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
place.
For instance
, in my country if pensioners
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with retired status, they can receive salary except pension.
Therefore
, over time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should sort
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working and devoted workers.

In my opinion, organizations which workers
are retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "introduce"
introduces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opportunities that can provide relaxation in recreation areas.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
, relaxation gives concentration to older. Then,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be responsible for
Did you mean "these"?
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and should control it.
besides
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, science of medicine should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
and then youth can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to their tutor in emergency condition.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
heart attacks are more common in the elderly. If such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is not done, it could lead to an increase in elderly mortality. It may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
damage for factories and offices.

In conclusion
, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
teach us to
be experienced
and qualified specialist.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that following their feedbacks and advices will be profitable for our
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
future

IELTS letter people live longer today than in the past so they should stay in the workforce longer.

Letter
  American English
4 paragraphs
243 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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