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Letter to Australian couple to work as nanny for their 6 year old girl child

Letter to Australian couple to work as nanny for their 6 year old girl child 7LjK3
Dear Sir, I have seen your advertisement in a magazine, on your requirement for a live in baby sitter for your child. I am interested in this job and would like to present you with details of my background and experience in babysitting. I am bla bla bla from India, currently in Australia to complete my part-time internship at a software company. However, due to the present situation with Corona, the job is on hold for 9 months. Due to the government’s restrictions on international travels, I cannot afford to move back home now. Therefore, I am looking for part time jobs that could pay for my expenses while I am here. I want to take up this job because it is matching with my timelines while also requiring something I am good at and have past experience of handling. I am patient, clean, thoughtful and have a good knowledge in English to ensure proper conversations with the child. I used to baby sit my cousins during my high school days for pocket money. I once took care of my then 4-year-old cousin for a whole month when her parents had to move out of the country for a work assignment. The experience of spending time with a young child was marvelous as I thoroughly enjoyed her innocence and curiosity. While here, I would be going out on a tour to see famous places of Australia, particularly the Oprah House. I look forward to your positive reply. Yours sincerely, Bla bla bla
Dear Sir,

I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
your advertisement in a magazine, on your requirement for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in baby sitter for your child. I
am interested
in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and would like to present you with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of my background and experience in babysitting.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am bla
Possible typo: you repeated a word
bla bla
from India,
currently
in Australia to complete my part-time internship at a software
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
However
, due to the present situation with Corona, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is on hold for 9 months. Due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s restrictions on international travels, I cannot afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
back home
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
Therefore
, I am looking for
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that could pay for my expenses while I am here.

I want to take up this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is matching with my timelines while
also
requiring something I am
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at and have
Consider using "experience".
past experience
of handling. I am patient, clean, thoughtful and have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
knowledge in English to ensure proper conversations with the child.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to baby sit my cousins during my high school days for pocket money.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
once took care of my then 4-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
cousin for a whole month when her parents had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out of the country for a work assignment. The experience of spending time with a young child was marvelous as I
thoroughly
enjoyed her innocence and curiosity. While here, I would be going out on a tour to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
places of Australia,
particularly
the Oprah
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
House
. I look forward to your
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
reply.

Yours
sincerely
,

Bla
Possible typo: you repeated a word
bla bla
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IELTS letter Letter to Australian couple to work as nanny for their 6 year old girl child

Letter
  American English
5 paragraphs
251 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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