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going to another city to study and you need a part time job. ask a friend who lives there to help you

going to another city to study and you need a part time job. ask a friend who lives there to help you ewGKW
Dear Adam, I hope you're doing well, I just wanted to let you know that I'll be soon at the University of Atlanta and I'll be staying in the city where you live. First of all, I'd like to tell you about my study plan. I got my admission in Master program, I chose communication engineering since I've already a bachelor's degree in it. Plus, I'd like to have my own company which sells digital fingerprint keys. Getting a part time vacancy while studying is going to be extremely helpful for me because I need to pay for my own living cost such as the rent. Another reason is that I have debt that must be paid back in the next month which means I have no choice whether to have a job. I would be grateful if you can provide me with some details about jobs requirement there. One more thing, I'll send you my resume tomorrow; please start applying for GT companies till my arrival. I'm looking forward to seeing you. Take care, Rami
Dear Adam,

I hope you're doing well, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
wanted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
you know that I'll be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
at the University of Atlanta and I'll be staying in the city where you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I'd like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
you about my study plan. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
my admission in Master program, I chose communication engineering since I've already a bachelor's degree in it. Plus, I'd like to have my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which sells digital fingerprint keys.

Getting a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
vacancy while studying is going to be
extremely
helpful for me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I need to pay for my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
living cost such as the rent. Another reason is that I have debt that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be paid
back in the
next
month which means I have no choice whether to have a job.

I would be grateful if you can provide me with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
about jobs requirement there. One more thing, I'll
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
you my resume tomorrow;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
applying for GT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
till my arrival.

I'm looking forward to seeing you.

Take care,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Rami

IELTS letter going to another city to study and you need a part time job. ask a friend who lives there to help you

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
175 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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