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compare visiting museums between June and December

compare visiting museums between June and December m9PaA
The bar charts represent information on how many people visited four different museums between June and December. Overall, it can be seen that more people visited History, British and National museums in August in comparison with other months, while the popularity of Science Museum is at its peak in September. In July, whereas there was a little difference between the number of visitors to the History, British and Science museums (the figure for all of them is around 400000), just over 200000 people visited the National museums. In July figures are nearly the same as that of June except that people’s interest in the History, National and Science declined slightly. The biggest jump in the number of visitors for all museums covered in the bar chart, except the Science Museum, could be seen in August. The number of visitors to the British and National Museum in this month was approximately two times more than their figures in July, reaching about 700000 and 400000 respectively. Also, in this month, although the interest of people in the Science Museum remained unchanged, the number of tickets that the History Museum sold was exactly 600000. Over the next two months, though the number of its visitors to the History, British and National Museum undergone a relatively steady decline, The Science Museum witnessed a boost in September (exactly 500000) before its figure dropped to 300000 in December. Ramin Ghanavati- AC
The bar charts represent information on how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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people
visited four
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different
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museums
between June and December.

Overall
, it can be
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seen
that more
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people
visited
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History
, British and
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National
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museums
in August
in comparison
with other
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months
, while the popularity of
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Science
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Museum
is at its peak in September.

In July, whereas there was a
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little
difference between the
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number
of
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visitors
to the
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History
, British and
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Science
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museums
(the
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figure
for all of them is around 400000),
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just
over 200000
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people
visited the
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National
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museums
. In July
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figures
are
nearly
the same as that of June except that
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people’s
interest in the
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History
,
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National
and
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Science
declined
slightly
. The biggest jump in the
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number
of
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visitors
for all
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museums
covered in the bar chart, except the
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Science
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Museum
, could be
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seen
in August. The
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number
of
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visitors
to the British and
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National
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Museum
in this
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month
was approximately two times more than their
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figures
in July, reaching about 700000 and 400000
respectively
.
Also
, in this
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month
, although the interest of
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people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
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Museum
remained unchanged, the
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number
of tickets that the
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History
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
sold was exactly 600000. Over the
next
two
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months
, though the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
History
, British and
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National
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
undergone a
relatively
steady decline, The
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Science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
witnessed a boost in September (exactly 500000)
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before
its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
dropped to 300000 in December.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Ramin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ghanavati
- AC
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IELTS letter compare visiting museums between June and December

Letter
  American English
4 paragraphs
234 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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