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advertisement in an australian magazine

advertisement in an australian magazine 0pOj1
Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to you after I saw your advertisement in the magazine. I have interest in applying for the job that you publish. First, I want to apply for this job because I need extra credit for my trip to Australia. I do like kids so this job is suitable for my interest. Moreover, I have a sister who has a similar age as your kid. I have the experience to take care of her and help my mother do chores related to taking care of kids. Hence, I have the capability to take look after your kid. As I told you before, I apply for this job because I need extra credit for my trip to Australia. I will spend my time sightseeing around the city. I hope that you can give me the opportunity for this job. Yours faithfully, Satriyo
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to you after I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
your advertisement in the magazine. I have interest in applying for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
that you publish.

First
, I want to apply for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I need extra credit for my trip to Australia. I do like kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is suitable for my interest.

Moreover
, I have a sister who has a similar age as your kid. I have the experience to take care of her and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
my mother do chores related to taking care of kids.
Hence
, I have the capability to take look after your kid.

As I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, I apply for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I need extra credit for my trip to Australia. I will spend my time sightseeing around the city.

I hope that you can give me the opportunity for this job.

Yours
faithfully
,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Satriyo
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IELTS letter advertisement in an australian magazine

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
146 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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