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A self introductory letter

A self introductory letter ELRXD
To whom it may concern, My name is Ojimmadu Nkiruka Maryimmaculate, and I’d like to tell you a little bit about my interests, goals and mostly I am writing in application for a scholarship. I am from Nigeria and I am 18years old. I live at a city called Aba in Abia state, I have lived there my whole life, my everyday activities included going to school, reading books, watching Tv. I am a graduate of Cor Mariae girls secondary school. I joined the jet club and also partook in certain sports activities back then at school which gave me the position of sports prefect, I’m an active student who studied 9 subjects In secondary school which are all sciences and I’m eager to study more and gain more knowledge through the higher institution. I like dancing, reading, solving problems, playing games and more. I enjoy the hospital activities especially when I watch the operations and surgeries ongoing on Tv, my natural tendency to care and love for treating and helping people has made me more enthusiast on pursing working in the hospitals in other to help patients and make them happy. I am willing to partake in this because I believe I would benefit greatly from the overseas and also to learn more advancely, learn different cultures, languages and meet new people, it is valuable to atleast step out of my comfort zone and adapt to new environment. This scholarship will represent to me as an opportunity to achieve my goals as a surgeon. I will strive hard to get good grades and make an impact to the school and other students, this will give me they opportunity to work with
To whom it may concern,

My name is
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ojimmadu
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nkiruka
Possible spelling mistake found.
Maryimmaculate
, and I’d like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
you a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
about my interests, goals and
mostly
I am writing in application for a scholarship. I am from Nigeria and I am 18years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
at a city called
Possible spelling mistake found.
Aba
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Abia
state, I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
there my whole life, my everyday activities included going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, reading books, watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tv
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am a graduate of Cor
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mariae
girls secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the jet club and
also
partook in certain sports activities back then at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
which gave me the position of sports prefect, I’m an active student who studied 9 subjects In secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
which are all sciences and I’m eager to study more and gain more knowledge through the higher institution.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
like dancing, reading, solving problems, playing games and more.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
enjoy the hospital activities
especially
when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the operations and surgeries ongoing on
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tv
, my natural tendency to care and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for treating and helping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
has made me more enthusiast on pursing working in the hospitals in other to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
patients and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them happy.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am willing to partake in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I believe I would benefit
greatly
from the overseas and
also
to learn more
Possible spelling mistake found.
advancely
, learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures, languages and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, it is valuable to
Possible spelling mistake found.
atleast
step out of my comfort zone and adapt to new environment.

This scholarship will represent to me as an opportunity to achieve my goals as a surgeon. I will strive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an impact to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and other students, this will give me
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they opportunity
to work
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
with
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IELTS letter A self introductory letter

Letter
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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