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Your friend recently had a new baby born and you have bought him/her a present. Write a letter and say- What is the present? - Why did you choose it? - Arrange a visit to pass on the present and see the baby. v.1

Your friend recently had a new baby born and you have bought him/her a present. Write a letter and say- What is the present? - Why did you choose it? - Arrange a visit to pass on the present and see the baby. v. 1
There is no iota of doubt that, people today are very careful about their health and career, so their emphasis on sports and exercise. This phenomenon is offering multifarious benefits to people of all ages. However, sometimes a couple of problems emerge due to the same. In my opinion, it is a positive development in some extent, beyond this it can be negative. The following paragraphs would shed light on the pros and cons of this trend. To begin with the bright side, first, doing extra effort on sports and exercise we can produce more athletes. Therefore, these athletes can bring more pride for our nation. For example, a recent survey says that, in Australia players who put more emphasis on their own field bring gold medals at Olympic. In addition, due to sedentary jobs and lack of physical activities, people are suffering from obesity. Hence, with regular exercise and sports they can easily overcome this problem. Moreover, these activities can make people socialize more and friendlier. Therefore, people can make and meet more friends due to these activities. On the flip side of the coin, there are a handful of nasty consequences as well. Firstly, to give extra importance in sports and exercise will affect one's social, personal as well as corporate life. This means, a person can feel alone when he is away from their family. For instance, cricket player playing foreign tours has to stay months away from their home, this can feel them lonely and sometimes affect their performance. Furthermore, these activities require a plethora of physical strength to play effectively with other teams and everybody is not strong enough for those. This may further de-motivate individuals and they may decide not to take part in challenging competitions. In conclusion, I personally believe that the de-merit outweighs merits, however, efforts should be made to maximise the latter one.
There is no iota of doubt that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
careful about their health and career,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their emphasis on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. This phenomenon is offering multifarious benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all ages.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
a couple of problems
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "emerges"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'emerge' is not always incorrect.)
emerge
due to the same. In my opinion, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, beyond this it can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
. The following paragraphs would shed light on the pros and cons of this trend.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the bright side,
first
, doing extra effort on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
we can produce more athletes.
Therefore
, these athletes can bring more pride for our nation.
For example
, a recent survey says that, in Australia players who put more emphasis on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
field bring gold medals at Olympic.
In addition
, due to sedentary jobs and lack of physical activities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from obesity.
Hence
, with regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
they can
easily
overcome this problem.
Moreover
, these activities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
socialize more and friendlier.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
more friends due to these activities.

On the flip side of the coin, there are a
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "handfuls", "handsful"?
handful
of nasty consequences
as well
.
Firstly
, to give extra importance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
will affect one's social, personal
as well
as corporate life. This means, a person can feel alone when he is away from their family.
For instance
, cricket player playing foreign tours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
stay months away from their home, this can feel them lonely and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
affect their performance.
Furthermore
, these activities require a plethora of physical strength to play
effectively
with other teams and everybody is not strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for those. This may
further
Possible spelling mistake found.
de-motivate
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
individuals and
they may decide not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in challenging competitions.

In conclusion
, I
personally
believe that the
Possible spelling mistake found.
de-merit
outweighs merits,
however
, efforts should
be made
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'maximise' is British English.
maximise
the latter one.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Your friend recently had a new baby born and you have bought him/her a present. Write a letter and say- What is the present? - Why did you choose it? - Arrange a visit to pass on the present and see the baby. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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