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Your family is going to move to another town. Write a letter to the Principal of a local school asking if they will accept your son. v.1

Your family is going to move to another town. Write a letter to the Principal of a local school asking if they will accept your son. v. 1
Economic progress is the centre of the activities conducted by all the regimes in the recent times. While, many intellectuals perceive that the other types of improvements such as the fraternity of medication, education and social awareness is also essential for the development of a nation. This essay will discuss both the views of the above notion, along with my opinion further. To begin with, the former view of emphasising the economic measures of the region. The standards of living and the hi-tech infrastructures are the outcomes of the healthy economy. As a result, the administration has the prime concern of the economic progress for the prosperity of an individual as well as the community. For instance, the economic empowerment will mitigate the basic economic problems of the nation such as poverty, unemployment and inflation. Consequently, the peace and harmony in the country can be inculcate by boosting the economy. On the other hand, the latter view is considering many sectors, which need the focus of the authority for the enhancement. Firstly, the health is the basic need of the people. The government should increase the numbers of the hospitals and improve the medication system. Thus the nation could chase the sustainable growth. For example, the researchers on the developing countries and revealed that, the poor medical system is the major obstacle for the economic growth of them. Secondly, the education system needs to be well organised to uplift the society. Lastly, the social vices and discrimination should be faded by the regime to provide an equal opportunity to a layman. In conclusion, the economic conditions and basic need of the people is essential for the development. In my opinion, the government should enhance not only the economy, but also many sector related to public life in a country. Such practices will ensure the bright future of a nation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Economic
progress is the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
of the activities conducted by all the regimes in the recent times. While,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
intellectuals perceive that the other types of improvements such as the fraternity of medication, education and social awareness is
also
essential for the development of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. This essay will discuss both the views of the above notion, along with my opinion
further
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the former view of
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasising' is British English.
emphasising
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
measures of the region. The standards of living and the hi-tech infrastructures are the outcomes of the healthy economy.
As a result
, the administration has the prime concern of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
progress for the prosperity of an individual
as well
as the community.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
empowerment will mitigate the basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
problems of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
such as poverty, unemployment and inflation.
Consequently
, the peace and harmony in the country can be
Consider using the past participle "inculcated"?
inculcate
by boosting the economy.

On the other hand
, the latter view is considering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
the focus of the authority for the enhancement.
Firstly
, the health is the basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should increase the numbers of the hospitals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the medication system.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
could chase the sustainable growth.
For example
, the researchers on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
and revealed that, the poor medical system is the major obstacle for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth of them.
Secondly
, the education system
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to be
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well organised
to uplift the society.
Lastly
, the social vices and discrimination should
be faded
by the regime to provide an equal opportunity to a layman.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
conditions and basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is essential for the development. In my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enhance not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the economy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sector related to public life in a country. Such practices will ensure the bright future of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Your family is going to move to another town. Write a letter to the Principal of a local school asking if they will accept your son. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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