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Young people who commit serious crimes, such as a robbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Young people who commit serious crimes, such as a robbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. v. 1
It is argued that the same level of punishment should be imposed on juvenile delinquents as well as adult offenders if they commit serious crimes. I completely disagree with this view. Some people may support this suggestion on the ground that all the citizens, regardless of their age, should be treated equally before the law, but I think this argument is flawed. It is true that the level of punishment is supposed to be decided upon how much damage the offender has done to other citizens and the society as a whole. The legal justice seems to be undermined if young people and adults are given different sentences when it comes to the same offence. However, young people are too immature to be regarded as citizens who can be fully responsible for their conduct, especially their misbehavior. Since young people are denied the rights that are exclusively enjoyed by adults such as drinking, smoking, and voting, it is unfair to completely apply adults’ rules to them when they commit crimes. Furthermore, young people should be given more chances to better themselves because they have more years ahead of them. Adult criminals, who has established mindsets that pose a grave threat to society, should be punished strictly. Young people, by contrast, are malleable enough to redress their values and reintegrate into society. If they receive more rehabilitation than punishment as a consequence of their criminal behavior, they are more likely to become good citizens than their adult equivalents. To conclude, it is not justified to punish young offenders the same way to penalize adult ones, and I believe young people should be allowed more opportunities to make a difference in their later lives.
It
is argued
that the same level of punishment should
be imposed
on juvenile delinquents
as well
as adult offenders if they commit serious crimes. I completely disagree with this view.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may support this suggestion on the ground that all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
, regardless of their age, should
be treated
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the law,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this argument
is flawed
. It is true that the level of punishment
is supposed
to
be decided
upon how much damage the offender has done to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
and the society as a whole. The legal justice seems to
be undermined
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sentences when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the same
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are too immature to
be regarded
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
who can be
fully
responsible for their conduct,
especially
their misbehavior. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are denied
the rights that are exclusively enjoyed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
such as drinking, smoking, and voting, it is unfair to completely apply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to them when they commit crimes.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more chances to better themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have more years ahead of them. Adult criminals, who has established mindsets that pose a grave threat to society, should
be punished
strictly
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, by contrast, are malleable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to redress their values and reintegrate into society. If they receive more rehabilitation than punishment as a consequence of their criminal behavior, they are more likely to become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
than their adult equivalents.

To conclude
, it is not justified to punish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
offenders the same way to penalize adult ones, and I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
more opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difference in their later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people who commit serious crimes, such as a robbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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