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Young People Today Spend More Time Than Ever Before Playing Video Games

Young People Today Spend More Time Than Ever Before Playing Video Games 7aPYA
Nowadays youngsters enjoy playing video games and as a result, they spent a great deal of time on their computers. Although playing video games has a negative effect on their physical and emotional growth and development, it has a few benefits too. Hence, I can only partially agree with the given argument that video games are harmful for children. Playing videos games excessively can hurt the physical and sociological development of children in numerous ways. Firstly when young children are addicted to playing video games they spent a lot of time sitting in front of their computers and they may hardly do other physical activities. Due to this situation, young people may not receive adequate exercise and they may become obese. In addition, this addiction to playing these games prevent children from going out to socialize with their friends and play other games such as football and hockey, which provide exercise to the body. Due to this, these youngsters may not be able to make friends in the society or engage in any social activity, which may help to build the social network they may require in future to be a successful person. Furthermore, many video games have violent content and children playing them may demonstrate aggressive and antisocial behaviour. Hence playing video games can be harmful for youngsters both socially and physiologically. On the other hand, playing these kinds of games can also benefit them. Some video games enhance the creativity of children and enable them to take quick decisions in emergency situations. A good example is the specially designed pilot training software. Moreover, some video games allow playing in teams and they may be helpful to make a virtual network of friends. In conclusion, playing video games can be harmful to the physical and sociological development of children by making them obese and antisocial even though these games can improve their decision-making abilities and creativity.
Nowadays youngsters enjoy
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playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
as a result
, they spent a great deal of time on their computers. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and emotional growth and development, it has a few benefits too.
Hence
, I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
argument that
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video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are harmful for children.

Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
excessively
can hurt the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and sociological development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in numerous ways.
Firstly
when young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
they spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time sitting in front of their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
computers and
they may hardly do other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities. Due to this situation, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may not receive adequate
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
exercise and
they may become obese.
In addition
, this addiction to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from going out to socialize with their friends and play other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as football and hockey, which provide exercise to the body. Due to this, these youngsters may not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends in the society or engage in any social activity, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to build the social network they may require in future to be a successful person.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have violent content and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
them may demonstrate aggressive and antisocial
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
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playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be harmful for youngsters both
socially
and
physiologically
.

On the other hand
,
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playing
these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
also
benefit them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
enhance the creativity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and enable them to take quick decisions in emergency situations. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example is the
specially
designed pilot training software.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
teams and
they may be helpful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a virtual network of friends.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be harmful to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and sociological development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by making them obese and antisocial
even though
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their decision-making abilities and creativity.
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IELTS essay Young People Today Spend More Time Than Ever Before Playing Video Games

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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