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Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theatre and less time on sport. How far do you agree with this statement?

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theatre and less time on sport. How far e2bW
Young people should expend their added leisure on artistic activities are important to get into shape. In fact, youngsters should be engaged in both of them. Music and theatre improve creativity and expand the scope of thinking. In addition youngsters try to invent something new in spite of they aren't good at playing instruments and roles by their creativity. Nowadays, creative thinking isa demand of the world. On the other hand, sport is important to become fit and it is relaxable after stong mental labor. Healthy people, I know, always engaged in physical activities to keep fit. Moreover sport gives sense of enjoyment which other things can't give called adrenaline. As a result, young people should spend their time equally to cultural activities and sport, not only young people, but also people at different ages should do these activities.
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should expend their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
leisure on artistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into shape. In fact, youngsters should
be engaged
in both of them. Music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
creativity and expand the scope of thinking. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
youngsters try to invent something new
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
they aren't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at playing instruments and roles by their creativity. Nowadays, creative thinking
Possible spelling mistake found.
isa
demand of the world.
On the other hand
, sport is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to become fit and it is
Possible spelling mistake found.
relaxable
after
Possible spelling mistake found.
stong
mental labor. Healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I know, always engaged in physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
sport gives sense of enjoyment which other things can't give called adrenaline.
As a result
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should spend their time
equally
to cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and sport, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ages should do these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.

IELTS essay Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theatre and less time on sport. How far

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
139 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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