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young people should find a job while they were a student

young people should find a job while they were a student q0Bw5
Some people argue that young people who should spend time studying instead of looking for a job can be independent and build a financial budget for themselves. While I strongly support that I believe they will have an opportunity for comprehensive development. For a variety of reasons, I accept that it is commonly believed that students can get more practical experiences for their future business. Formal training at colleges or universities only provides students with a basic background. In this case, it is no doubt that working part-time seems to be more helpful as it helps students learn more about responsibilities as well as real business challenges, which reinforces what they are learning in school. For instance, some studies show that undergraduates working part-time are more confident than others when they start a job after graduation. In other words, the more experiences students gain during school time, the more benefits they will get in their future business. Another important point is that students can earn some money to spend on daily expenses. As evidence of this, a college or university student often spends at least three years finishing their study syllabus, which substantially triggers a big debt. Therefore, students must work part-time to reduce their debt. Furthermore, there has been an increase in the number of students leaving college or university because they don’t have enough money to pay for training fees in recent years. In addition, it is evident that it is hard to earn money in most situations, so earning money during school years also teaches students to understand the true values of money. In conclusion, it is clearly evident that students can gain several benefits from working part-time, and young people should expand their knowledge to have more multidimensional things about life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who should spend time studying
instead
of looking for a job can be independent and build a financial budget for themselves. While I
strongly
support that I believe they will have an opportunity for comprehensive development.

For a variety of reasons, I accept that it is
commonly
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more practical experiences for their future business. Formal training at colleges or universities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with a basic background.
In this case
, it is no doubt that working part-time seems to be more helpful as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn more about responsibilities
as well
as real business challenges, which reinforces what they are learning in school.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that undergraduates working part-time are more confident than others when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a job after graduation.
In other words
, the more experiences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
gain during school time, the more benefits they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in their future business.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
point is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to spend on daily expenses. As evidence of this, a college or university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
spends at least three years finishing their study syllabus, which
substantially
triggers a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
debt.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
work part-time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their debt.
Furthermore
, there has been an increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
leaving college or university
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to pay for training fees in recent years.
In addition
, it is evident that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in most situations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
during school years
also
teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to understand the true values of money.

In conclusion
, it is
clearly
evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can gain several benefits from working part-time, and young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should expand their knowledge to have more multidimensional things about life.
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IELTS essay young people should find a job while they were a student

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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