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Young people being inclined to have baby later, what do you think?

Young people being inclined to have baby later, what do you think? 709gA
Theses days, there is an increasing number of young people being inclined to have baby later. This tendency happens on account of these following reasons. First, lots of young couple can’t afford the expenses of baby bring-ups. There is no doubt that family-paid including: household, appliance, clothes and futher more is such an part and parcel in their life. Because of that, it is much more comfortable to decide to born the first-child in the middle of their life rather than have a baby immmediately. For example, my friend who get married 2 years ago complains about not earning enough money for their family due to Second, not having tendency to have baby stands a good chance of concentrating on the people-skills improvement. Therefore, it is of benefit to creating job opportunities, which to say, these couple have time to make savings until they have offsprings. To illustrate, it takes less time to do earn money and make ends meet instead of 15 months being in pregnant and allowed holiday. In addtion, it stands for the reason that time on their hands would be enjoyable on account of not looking after youngsters. In conclusion, it is common phenonmenon that having first-child in the last of people life which is at huge disadvantage in today.
Did you mean "these"?
Theses
days, there is an increasing number of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
being inclined
to have baby later. This tendency happens on account of these following reasons.

First
, lots of young couple can’t afford the expenses of baby bring-ups. There is no doubt that family-paid including: household, appliance, clothes and
Possible spelling mistake found.
futher
more is such
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
part and parcel in their life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that, it is much more comfortable to decide
Did you mean "to bear"?
to born
the
first
-child in the middle of their life
rather
than have a baby
Possible spelling mistake found.
immmediately
.
For example
, my friend who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married 2 years ago complains about not earning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money for their family due
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
to


Second, not having tendency to have baby stands a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
chance of concentrating on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
improvement.
Therefore
, it is of benefit to creating job opportunities, which to say, these couple have time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
savings until they have
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
. To illustrate, it takes less time to do earn money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
instead
of 15 months being in pregnant and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
holiday. In
Possible spelling mistake found.
addtion
, it stands for the reason that time on their hands would be enjoyable on account of not looking after youngsters.

In conclusion
, it is common
Possible spelling mistake found.
phenonmenon
that having
first
-child in the last of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
life which is at huge disadvantage in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
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IELTS essay Young people being inclined to have baby later, what do you think?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
214 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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