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You have long been friend with someone. If they do something that you don’t like, should you still be friends with him or her？ v.1

You have long been friend with someone. If they do something that you don’t like, should you still be friends with him or her？ v. 1
Eating habits are something that children need to learn. Some believe that it is the parent's duty to teach them about it, while others believe that teachers are the ones who should tell them how to eat properly. This essay will explain both sides, reasons as well as my opinion. School is a place for children to learn and begin their life in the society. That also means how they behave while they consume their daily needs. What kind of behaviour? In other words, their eating habits, which require them to receive the knowledge of the beneficial way. For instance, they need to know what kind of food can benefit them the most. In addition, learning about it also aids them in their studies as some boost their brain development. Consequently, helping them getting better results in class and their future education. Starting a family includes parents teaching their children all sorts of things. One of them is eating habits. While raising a family is important, teaching them how to eat correctly is crucial as well. That means they should learn about it during their earliest times. If waiting till the they learn it in school, it would be too late, as they would already adopt a bad habit of eating. For example, a child knows how to eat around 3 years old, and go to school at 5. As a result, they would be eating incorrectly for 2 years. Moreover, once they do it in a false way, it might be hard for them to change. Whereas doing it the correct manner at the beginning will result much better. To conclude, teaching children to contain a healthy style of eating is important. Therefore schools should aid them to learn about it. However, in my view, parents should be in charge of telling them the correct practice of it, because the earlier they know, they will develop sufficiently better in the future.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
are something that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that it is the parent's duty to teach them about it, while others believe that teachers are the ones who should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them how to eat
properly
. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
both sides, reasons
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
my opinion.

School is a place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their life in the society. That
also
means how they behave while they consume their daily needs. What kind of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
?
In other words
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
, which require them to receive the knowledge of the beneficial way.
For instance
, they need to know what kind of food can benefit them the most.
In addition
, learning about it
also
aids them in their studies as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
boost their brain development.
Consequently
, helping them
The verb '' is used with an infinitive: "to get" or "get".
getting
better results in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and their future education.

Starting a family includes parents teaching their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
all sorts of things. One of them is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
. While raising a family is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, teaching them how to eat
correctly
is crucial
as well
. That means they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about it during their earliest times. If waiting till
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "they"?
the they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
it in school, it would be too late, as they would already adopt a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
.
For example
, a child knows how to eat around 3 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and go to school at 5.
As a result
, they would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
incorrectly
for 2 years.
Moreover
, once they do it
Consider replacing "in a false way" with the adverb for "false"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a false way
, it might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
doing it the correct manner at the beginning will result much better.

To conclude
, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to contain a healthy style of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
schools should aid them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about it.
However
, in my view, parents should be in charge of telling them the correct practice of it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the earlier they know, they will develop
sufficiently
better in the future.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay You have long been friend with someone. If they do something that you don’t like, should you still be friends with him or her？ v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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