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Writing about the story (200-250)

Writing about the story (200-250) n110K
What happened was my friend and I were going to school in the afternoon. The people spread rumors that the big house has a treasure behind the mountain, which had not been occupied for several years after the death of its owner. For some reason, no one liked and even scared when someone talked about this house. Therefore, when he died, he was not buried and his dead body remained in his bed until it was reduced to its skeleton. This story stimulated us to discover the house behind the mountain although we were so scared and frightened. One evening, it was a moon-lit night. My friend and I made up a decision to go to this house in a secret way. That was the first night in my life that I was scared stiff of walking with my friends to explore that house. As we were walking through the house, we could hear the noises made by squirrels, insects and owls. The house is too old, full of antiquity and has various spider webs in each room. We continued to look for the treasure and suddenly we saw the skeleton in his bedroom. It looked ghastly and terrific! It was now too dark to see anything outside with the flashlight out of the battery. It gives us the heebie-jeebies and anxiety about the ghost appeared. After several hours, we talked, told some stories to forget the skeleton and think of the devil, however, that is stuck out of my mind. Although my friend may act confidently, she has a yellow streak down her back because she was so curious about that house and also promised to protect me but no. While we were talking in the owner room, some robbers happened to take shelter in the verandah of the house. All of a sudden, I saw a dead man hidden in the kitchen by some robbers. They began to talk and laughed loudly and also told that he had deserved to die for lying to us. I was shocked to hear their debate and it happened out of the blue. Hearing the voices, we began to ask some questions from inside to make sure that there were some people outside. But it is not everything, the robbers were now fearful and looked for us to surround the house. Fortunately, we rushed out of the house and took our heels. I ran as fast as I could to call the police immediately. Although we could not find the treasure as people talked, we had a good deed. After that the thieves have been caught but my parents was so furious and scold me to go out without asking parents permission
What happened was my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
and I were going to school in the afternoon. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spread rumors that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
has a treasure behind the mountain, which had not
been occupied
for several years after the death of its owner. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason, no one liked and even scared when someone talked about this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
.
Therefore
, when he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
, he was not buried and his dead body remained in his bed until it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to its skeleton.

This story stimulated us to discover the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
behind the mountain although we were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
scared and frightened. One evening, it was a moon-lit night. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
and I made up a decision to go to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
Consider replacing "in a secret way" with the adverb for "secret"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a secret way
. That was the
first
night in my life that I
was scared
stiff of walking with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
to explore that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
. As we were walking through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
, we could hear the noises made by squirrels, insects and owls. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, full of antiquity and has various spider webs in each room. We continued to look for the treasure and
suddenly
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
the skeleton in his bedroom. It looked ghastly and terrific! It was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
too dark to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
anything outside with the flashlight out of the battery.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
It
gives us the
Possible spelling mistake found.
heebie-jeebies
and anxiety about the ghost appeared.

After several hours, we talked,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stories to forget the skeleton and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of the devil,
however
, that
is stuck
out of my mind. Although my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
may act
confidently
, she has a yellow streak down her back
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
curious about that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
and
also
promised to protect me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no. While we were talking in the owner room,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
robbers happened to take shelter in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
verandah
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
. All of a sudden, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a dead
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
hidden in the kitchen by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
robbers. They began to talk and laughed
loudly
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
that he had deserved to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
for lying to us. I
was shocked
to hear their debate and it happened out of the blue. Hearing the voices, we began to ask
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
questions from inside to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
outside.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it is not everything, the robbers were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
fearful and looked for us to surround the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
.
Fortunately
, we rushed out of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
and took our heels. I ran as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
as I could to call the police immediately.

Although we could not find the treasure as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
talked, we had a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
deed. After that the thieves have
been caught
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
my parents was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
furious and scold me to go out without asking parents
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
permission
What do you think?
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IELTS essay Writing about the story (200-250)

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
449 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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