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Write about the following topic: Celebrities such as singers and fi lm stars earn too much money, buy too many goodsand care too little about other people. To what extent do you think this is true? Should anything be done to change the situation? Give reasons v.2

: Celebrities such as singers and fi lm stars earn too much money, buy too many goodsand care too little about other people. Should anything be done to change the situation? Give reasons v. 2
Some people think that famous stars like musician and movies actors have high earnings, get many things and care very less about their fans. I partially agree with the statement and believe many things can be done to change this trend. It’s a fact that most of film stars and singers earn a handsome amount of money. In addition, they can buy almost anything they want. However, although apparently they look rude and behave like that do not care about ordinary people but actually they do care. First of all, these individuals are gifted with extra-ordinary talent and they worked very hard to reach this status. After struggling for years one become able to gets a high pay, to fulfill all his necessities. Therefore, what look so simple is actually not that easy to achieve. Although, externally these individuals look careless most of the time it is not so. Since, famous stars face many problems in general public thus they pretend not to be caring. For example, they cannot talk or walk freely in public places, as they are surrounded by fans. Moreover, there are a lot of security issues faced by them. To avoid such issues they appear to be rude and arrogant. As high class celebrities are compelled to behave like egoistic and selfish person because of these hurdles. Therefore, there must be some strategies to solve them. Both the government and general public can deal with them very easily. Such as, it is responsibility of state to protect them and make a safe surrounding. In addition, general public need to behave in a gentle and organized manner with them. As a result celebrities will feel secure and stress free in friendly environment. So they will try to change their attitude toward public and their fans. In a nutshell, high earning of celebrities are due to their hard work and talent. So no one should have any objection to it. However, we can change egoistic and selfish way of dealing by providing safe and friendly surrounding.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
stars like musician and movies actors have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
earnings,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things and care
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less about their fans. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement and believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things can
be done
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
this trend.

It’s a fact that
Consider using "most film" or "most of the film".
most of film
stars and singers earn a handsome amount of money.
In addition
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
almost anything they want.
However
, although
apparently
they look rude and behave like that do not care about ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
actually they do care.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, these individuals
are gifted
with extra-ordinary
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
talent and
they worked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to reach this status. After struggling for years one become able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
pay, to fulfill all his necessities.
Therefore
, what look
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
simple is actually not that easy to achieve.

Although,
externally
these individuals look careless most of the time it is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
stars face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems
in general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
thus
they pretend not to be caring.
For example
, they cannot talk or walk
freely
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
places, as they
are surrounded
by fans.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
security issues faced by them. To avoid such issues they appear to be rude and arrogant.

As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
celebrities
are compelled
to behave like egoistic and selfish person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of these hurdles.
Therefore
, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strategies to solve them. Both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
can deal with them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
. Such as, it is responsibility of state to protect them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a safe surrounding.
In addition
, general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
need to behave in a gentle and organized manner with them.
As a result
celebrities will feel secure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free in friendly environment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they will try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their attitude toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
and their fans.

In a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
earning of celebrities are due to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and talent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
no one should have any objection to it.
However
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
egoistic and selfish way of dealing by providing safe and friendly surrounding.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay : Celebrities such as singers and fi lm stars earn too much money, buy too many goodsand care too little about other people. Should anything be done to change the situation? Give reasons v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
338 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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