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Write about the following topic: Celebrities such as singers and fi lm stars earn too much money, buy too many goodsand care too little about other people. To what extent do you think this is true? Should anything be done to change the situation? Give reasons v.1

: Celebrities such as singers and fi lm stars earn too much money, buy too many goodsand care too little about other people. Should anything be done to change the situation? Give reasons v. 1
A lot of working people have wellness issues due to doing little or no exercise in the their work days or free time. This essay will investigate why people do not do actions and address this problem. I think, people cannot do exercise because of the several reasons, such as intensity of working, a laziness, and a bad weather conditions etc. In the recent years, many people have wellness problems, such as obesity due to slow time life. While some people are working hard at their jobs, others even though they have flexable working hours in their jobs, they are too lazy to do daily exercise in their life. Therefore, they are increasingly getting fat, so that they have a many different health problems. One of my friend, for instance, he has many health problems currently due to slow life time and unhealthy lifestyle. He has not been doing exercise or any sports since 2007. Governments can encourage people to do that, such as they can build a sports centre in different areas in the cities. In addition to this, they can arrange sports or exercise time period in public works and people tend to do sports because of that. As a person, we should be more determined about these activities and we have to avoid being lazy if we want to have healthy and happy life. In conclusion, all around the world, obesity have been rapidly increasing because of the these reasons. We should be aware of this problem. Otherwise, life time going to be less and more unhealthy because of this.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have wellness issues due to doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
in
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "their work" or "the work"?
the their work
days or free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This essay will investigate why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not do actions and address this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the several reasons, such as intensity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, a laziness, and a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
weather conditions etc.

In the recent years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have wellness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, such as obesity due to slow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
at their jobs, others
even though
they have
Possible spelling mistake found.
flexable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours in their jobs, they are too lazy to do daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Therefore
, they are
increasingly
getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. One of my friend,
for instance
, he has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
currently
due to slow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and unhealthy lifestyle. He has not been doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
since 2007.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
can encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do that, such as they can build a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas in the cities.
In addition
to this, they can arrange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
period in public works and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that. As a person, we should be more determined about these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
activities and
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
avoid being lazy if we want to have healthy and happy life.

In conclusion
, all around the world, obesity have been
rapidly
increasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the these reasons. We should be aware of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
Otherwise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
going to be less and more unhealthy
because of this
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay : Celebrities such as singers and fi lm stars earn too much money, buy too many goodsand care too little about other people. Should anything be done to change the situation? Give reasons v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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