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Write a plan for new family business

Write a plan for new family business JLRAa
We are planning to open a cake store which name is “Dream Cake”. The first section of the business plan is choose a place to sell. The perfect location is by the sea because when everyone is done swimming they will be hungry, so our bakery can attract them to come. Then, to opening bakery with a variety of cakes we need to prepare an amount of money about 40-50 milion. This money will be spent to buy ingredients, baking items and decorative furniture. Our cake store is going to open from 6 am to 9 pm, enough time for customers to freely choose. My mother will be in charge of baking, my father will help her and I will sell cakes while my sister will stand at the checkout.
We are planning to open a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cake
store which name is “Dream
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cake”
. The
first
section of the business plan is
Consider using a past participle here: "chosen".
choose
a place to sell. The perfect location is by the sea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when everyone
is done
swimming they will be hungry,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
our bakery can attract them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
. Then, to opening bakery with a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cakes
we need to prepare an amount of money about 40-50
Possible spelling mistake found.
milion
. This money will
be spent
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
ingredients, baking items and decorative furniture. Our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cake
store is going to open from 6 am to 9 pm,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for customers to
freely
choose. My mother will be in charge of baking, my father will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
her and I will sell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cakes
while my sister will stand at the checkout.
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IELTS essay Write a plan for new family business

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
130 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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