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Write a paragraph to describe one of your accomplishments in your life.

Write a paragraph to describe one of your accomplishments in your life. JY0wa
When I was a student, I bought a sneaker by myself. At a first sight, I was attracted by it, but also I checked the price and put it back. It’s too expensive. It’s was difficult at first to save money for a child who just only 15. So I decided to figure out a part-time job, and do something to support me earn money. Finally, I got a job at the coffee shop near my school. In this time, I did hard-working, spent a lot of time, and tried to balance between study and my job which makes me exhausted. but I think this was deserved. After that, I got a sneaker and learned a number of experiences, behavior, and know-how to appreciate time and money.
When I was a student, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a sneaker by myself. At a
first
sight, I
was attracted
by it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checked
the price and put it back. It’s too expensive.
Did you mean "It was"?
It’s was
difficult at
first
to save money for a child who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
15.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I decided to figure out a part-time job, and do something to support me earn money.
Finally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a job at the coffee shop near my school. In this time, I did
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working, spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time, and tried to balance between study and my job which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me exhausted.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this
was deserved
. After that, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a sneaker and learned a number of experiences, behavior, and know-how to appreciate time and money.
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IELTS essay Write a paragraph to describe one of your accomplishments in your life.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
127 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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