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Working during college some people find it a good idea, while other think it puts students under stress and pressure

Working during college some people find it a good idea, while other think it puts students under stress and pressure Q8aW3
In recent years, the cost of studying has raised dramatically, which made many students have to work during studying. Although many people think that having a job while studying is not a wise idea because it comes with a lot of pressure on undergraduates’ shoulders, I do think that it is the best way to afford study-burdens. The most significant reason for working during the semester is to pay for college fees. Most universities require much money, which is impossible for an undergraduate to pay unless he is on a scholarship or from a wealthy family so they support him. Another reason for being employed during college is to gain some experience, because, most of the employers want their potential employees to be experienced. For instance, if someone is studying computer science, work experience during college will definitely help him to get a proper job after graduation. In contrast, if a college student did not work, he would finish college with a huge study loan, besides lack of experience. To solve this dilemma, both governments and students should work on it. The authority should fund the colleges with extra money so they can reduce their fees; therefore, students will not have to work for several hours a day. Moreover, work on more scholarships so talented undergraduates study without any pressure, that will make them concentrate more on their studies. Another solution might be that students take a gap year between high school and college, In which they work full-time to save up to support themselves financially, Moreover, they will gain many social and communication skills. In conclusion, I do agree that being employed during studying is not a problem as long as the work hours are within the normal range. So students can study and have money
In recent years, the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
has raised
dramatically
, which made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that having a job while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
is not a wise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
pressure on undergraduates’ shoulders, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is the best way to afford study-burdens.

The most significant reason for working during the semester is to pay for college fees. Most universities require much money, which is impossible for an undergraduate to pay unless he is on a scholarship or from a wealthy family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they support him. Another reason for
being employed
during college is to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
experience,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, most of the employers want their potential employees to
be experienced
.
For instance
, if someone is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
computer science,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience during college will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a proper job after graduation.
In contrast
, if a college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
did not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, he would finish college with a huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
loan,
besides
lack of experience.

To solve this dilemma, both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on it. The authority should fund the colleges with extra money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their fees;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for several hours a day.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on more scholarships
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
talented undergraduates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
without any pressure, that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them concentrate more on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. Another solution might be that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
take a gap year between high school and college, In which they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full-time to save up to support themselves
financially
,
Moreover
, they will gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social and communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
being employed
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
is not a problem as long as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
hours are within the normal range.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and have
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
money
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IELTS essay Working during college some people find it a good idea, while other think it puts students under stress and pressure

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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