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Women should give up their jobs and go back to their traditional roles of home maker in order to reduce world s unemployment To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

Women should give up their jobs and go back to their traditional roles of home maker in order to reduce world s unemployment v. 2
I am completely opposed to sexual discrimination. There is an unreasonable idea that women should work as a full-time home maker to reduce unemployment. Followings are my main arguments. First, in fact, there are so many women better than men at various fields such as science, literature and politics. For example, Marie Curie is one of the most influential scientist in human history with her chemical explores and devotions to science. In my country, the Vice-president, an admirable woman, has more political power and contributions than the President. It was she that has directly run the national plan to eliminate poverty for last 7 years, helping 20 million people reach their basic needs. Mental ability of women is equal to men, and in some particular fields they are more skilful than men. In my country, after thousands of years being dominant by men, this year most of precious literature awards is received by female writers. Second, forcing women to leave their offices will lead to a huge chaos in the international economy. In reality, Japanese government has an opposed ideas, encouraging women to participate in workforce. Local men are not satisfying the need of labor in the third largest economy of the world. In global scale, if women, almost a half of labors in the world, would leave their recent jobs and spend all time on taking care of their home and family, the economic scale would have suddenly reduced to a half of what it is now. Recession would cover every country and the unemployment rates would dramatically raise. In short, we cannot sacrifice women' s freedom to solve the unemployment problem. With admirable talents, female workers are indispensible in their office. Due to their crucial role in business, firing them just cause a huge damage for our economy. Moreover, fairness is one of the core values that make our civilization more developed.
I am completely opposed to sexual discrimination. There is an unreasonable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should work as a full-time
This word is normally spelled as one.
home maker
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
unemployment. Followings are my main arguments.

First
, in fact, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
at various fields such as science, literature and politics.
For example
, Marie Curie is one of the most influential
Please check whether a plural form of 'scientist' should be used.
scientist
in human history with her chemical explores and devotions to science. In my country, the Vice-president, an admirable woman, has more political power and contributions than the President. It was she that has
directly
run the national plan to eliminate poverty for last 7 years, helping 20 million
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reach their basic needs. Mental ability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is equal to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular fields they are more
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. In my country, after thousands of years being dominant by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, this year most of precious literature awards
is received
by female writers.

Second, forcing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their offices will lead to a huge chaos in the international economy. In reality, Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has an opposed
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "idea"?
ideas
, encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to participate in workforce. Local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are not satisfying the need of labor in the third largest economy of the world. In global scale, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, almost a half of labors in the world, would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their recent jobs and spend all time on taking care of their home and family, the economic scale would have
suddenly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to a half of what it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. Recession would cover every country and the unemployment rates would
dramatically
raise.

In short, we cannot sacrifice
Possible spelling mistake found.
women&
#039; s freedom to solve the unemployment problem. With admirable talents, female workers are
Possible spelling mistake found.
indispensible
in their office. Due to their crucial role in business, firing them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
cause
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "huge damage".
a huge damage
for our economy.
Moreover
, fairness is one of the core values that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our civilization more developed.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Women should give up their jobs and go back to their traditional roles of home maker in order to reduce world s unemployment v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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