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women are better in childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life

women are better in childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life P9MJ
Some people would think that woman have an ability to take care of children better than man, so they should concentrate on upbringing children rather than work. For me, I disagree with this view because firstly, children need both father and mother to take care of them. For example, a child who is upbringing only by their mother would growth up with the outmoded idea that to be a lady must stay at home and do house work while man have to work for family financial support. When both parents rise up their children together, junior will become a happier person, learn how to build meaningful relationship and promote their mental health so that they will become a successful person. Secondly, woman have their right to work. For example, it may indicate that women and men should be spend the same time for doing the same work as well as for their children. Because both man and woman also have to work so to be fair, they can arrange their time to take care of their children. This is also one of a good way to teach their kids about gender equality. Thirdly, forcing woman to stay at home is the wastage of human resource. Because some woman is smart and the other are in the senior level at their office that is why we need them to support and develop our society using their skill, brave and intelligent idea. Women are not only better in childcare than men, but they also have ability and equal right to work as well as they are smart and brave enough to improve our society. I think both parents should rise their children by balance responsibility.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
have an ability to take care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
better than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should concentrate on upbringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. For me, I disagree with this view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need both father and mother to take care of them.
For example
, a child who is upbringing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by their mother would growth up with the outmoded
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that to be a lady
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
stay at home and do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for family financial support. When both parents rise up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
together, junior will become a happier person, learn how to build meaningful relationship and promote their mental health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will become a successful person.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
have their right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For example
, it may indicate that women and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
should be
Consider using the past participle "spent"?
spend
the same time for doing the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as well
as for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
, they can arrange their time to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This is
also
one of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to teach their kids about gender equality.
Thirdly
, forcing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
to stay at home is the wastage of human resource.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
is smart and the other are in the senior level at their office
that is
why we need them to support and develop our society using their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, brave and intelligent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. Women are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
better in childcare than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
have ability and equal right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as well
as they are smart and brave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our society. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
both parents should rise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by balance responsibility.

IELTS essay women are better in childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
283 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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