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With the development of society and economy in recent year, the money is becoming a significant value. Some people have been arguing that money is the key of happiness and when the more money you have, the happier you become. While there are admittedly several drawbacks than it solves. From my point of view, I totally agree that the negative influence of the money is more glaring and, in this essay, will illustrate my reasons below.

With the development of society and economy in recent year, the money is becoming a significant value. Some people have been arguing that money is the key of happiness and when the more money you have, the happier you become. While there are admittedly several drawbacks than it solves. From my point of view, I totally agree that the negative influence of the money is more glaring and, in this essay, will illustrate my reasons below. jDmg8
With the development of society and economy in recent year, the money is becoming a significant value. Some people have been arguing that money is the key of happiness and when the more money you have, the happier you become. While there are admittedly several drawbacks than it solves. From my point of view, I totally agree that the negative influence of the money is more glaring and, in this essay, will illustrate my reasons below. On the one hand, it is undeniable that if a person can afford more, that one has a greater variety of choices and access to better goods and devices. Whether it is about housing, food, medicines and treatment, education or anything, the wealthier people are, the more they can fulfill their material aspirations. In addition, if people can pay someone to do tedious chores, that they can dedicate to more time and energy to enjoying themselves. What is more, unjust it is, but people tend to respect the rich more that the poor and prefer to their company. On the other hand, there are many reasons why advocates support the view that being rich translate to genuine happiness. First of all, life also consists of many important things that cannot be bought. For instance, people can purchase the best medicines and treatment, but they cannot buy health. Furthermore, if we look at happiness around the world, it seems to exist regardless of wealth. People in poor countries or deprived areas in the rich countries are just as capable of happiness as those with big bank account. The happiness often comes from simple things like family and friend. The happiest people on the earth feel that there is meaning to their life. There are so many things that give us joy in this world but there are things that money can not buy it. To sum up, the affluence can make life much better and more comfortable, but it is far from everything a person needs to be happy and sometimes it can even a burden. Wealth prevents people from seeing the true value of the things, only recognizing what they cost.
With the development of society and economy in recent year, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is becoming a significant value.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been arguing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the key of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and when the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
you have, the happier you become.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
there are
admittedly
several drawbacks than it solves. From my point of view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is more glaring and, in this essay, will illustrate my reasons below.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that if a person can afford more, that one has a greater variety of choices and access to better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and devices. Whether it is about housing, food, medicines and treatment, education or anything, the wealthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are, the more they can fulfill their material aspirations.
In addition
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can pay someone to do tedious chores, that they can dedicate to more time and energy to enjoying themselves.
What is more
, unjust it is,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to respect the rich more that the poor and prefer to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why advocates support the view that being rich translate to genuine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, life
also
consists of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things that cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the best medicines and treatment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
health.
Furthermore
, if we look at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
around the world, it seems to exist regardless of wealth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
in poor countries or deprived areas in the rich countries are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as capable of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
as those with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
bank account. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from simple things like family and friend. The happiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on the earth feel that there
The verb 'meaning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is meaning
to their life. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things that give us joy in this world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it.

To sum up, the affluence can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life much better and more comfortable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is far from everything a person needs to be happy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it can even a burden. Wealth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from seeing the true value of the things,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
recognizing what they cost.
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IELTS essay With the development of society and economy in recent year, the money is becoming a significant value. Some people have been arguing that money is the key of happiness and when the more money you have, the happier you become. While there are admittedly several drawbacks than it solves. From my point of view, I totally agree that the negative influence of the money is more glaring and, in this essay, will illustrate my reasons below.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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