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ommercialization has become a part of sports

ommercialization has become a part of sports K3rrN
In recent years, commercialization has become a part of sports. While this has disadvantages, the advantages can outweigh these. Some people believe that the business of sport enables athletes to be financially secure, especially famous athletes. Furthermore, turning the sport into a business effectively supports the marketing for companies. Nevertheless, commercialization can ruin the primary value of sport. This inadvertently creates pressure on athletes to become the winner, even leading to cheating in competition. In addition, sports business also causes gambling and corruption in competition. To minimize the disadvantages of sports commercialization, the authority should impose strict laws and policies.
In recent years, commercialization has become a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. While this has disadvantages, the advantages can outweigh these.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the business of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
enables athletes to be
financially
secure,
especially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
athletes.
Furthermore
, turning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
into a business
effectively
supports the marketing for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
Nevertheless
, commercialization can ruin the primary value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. This
inadvertently
creates pressure on athletes to become the winner, even leading to cheating in competition.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
business
also
causes gambling and corruption in competition. To minimize the disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
commercialization, the authority should impose strict laws and policies.
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IELTS essay ommercialization has become a part of sports

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
100 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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