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With deforestation urban development and illegal hunting many animals species are becoming endangered as they lose their habital and some are even threatened to the point of extinction. Do you think it's important to protect animals? what measures can be taken to deal with this problem?

With deforestation urban development and illegal hunting many animals species are becoming endangered as they lose their habital and some are even threatened to the point of extinction. Do you think it's important to protect animals? what measures can be taken to deal with this problem? aNrm
It is claimed that working as a part-time job can lead to more pros; however, it is also discussed about its drawbacks. From my point of view, it maybe great suggestion to students of making more opportunity vs some cons like suffering by health problems and affecting learning. Working as part of time has drawn considerable opportunities. In other word, encouraging students to obtain job, help to make and save money. Moreover, it may lead to reach money support and learn to money management for future. For instance, a 16-year old student who just work at weekends can meet his daily demands. Another point is about making opportunities to gain steady acquentances in workplace retain juveniles' situation. Additionally, having significant experience will cause to overcome the future labour market. For example, a person has worked for a company thereby, his recruitment is done through family friendly relationship. On the other hand suffering by health issues and lack of time to study are the most significant disadvantages. undoubtedly, working even in limited time may take half time of students and it will damage in their learning process. In other words, they will be tired and unmotivated to learn. As an illustrated, a juvenile who is forced to work to support himself, in the majority of time drop out. Secondly, incorporating work with study can threaten students' well-being. Students' bodies maybe destroyed due to excessive work pressure and insomnia. For example, after a while under pressure adolescents suffer by different types of physical illnesses and even psychological issues. As a result, working along with studying can be dangerous for individuals. Consequently, part-time job as well as study has two opposite sides. Beside earning and managing money, fatigue and feeling sick are two integral parts of working part of the day.
It
is claimed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
as a part-time job can lead to more pros;
however
, it is
also
Did you mean simply "discussed its"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discussed about its
drawbacks. From my point of view, it
The word "maybe" is and adverb. Either a verb is missing or you meant "may be".
maybe
great suggestion to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
of making more opportunity vs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cons like suffering by health problems and affecting learning.

Working as part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has drawn considerable opportunities. In other word, encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to obtain job,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
and save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Moreover
, it may lead to reach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
support and learn to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management for future.
For instance
, a 16-year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at weekends can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
his daily demands. Another point is about making opportunities to gain steady
Possible spelling mistake found.
acquentances
in workplace retain juveniles' situation.
Additionally
, having significant experience will cause to overcome the future
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market.
For example
, a person has worked for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
thereby, his recruitment
is done
through family friendly relationship.
On the other hand
suffering by health issues and lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to study are the most significant disadvantages.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
even in limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
may take half
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and it will damage in their learning process.
In other words
, they will
be tired
and unmotivated to learn. As an illustrated, a juvenile who
is forced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to support himself, in the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
drop out.
Secondly
, incorporating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with study can threaten students' well-being. Students' bodies maybe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
due to excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
pressure and insomnia.
For example
, after a while under pressure adolescents suffer by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of physical illnesses and even psychological issues.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
along with studying can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for individuals.

Consequently
, part-time job
as well
as study has two opposite sides. Beside earning and managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, fatigue and feeling sick are two integral parts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
part of the day.
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IELTS essay With deforestation urban development and illegal hunting many animals species are becoming endangered as they lose their habital and some are even threatened to the point of extinction. Do you think it's important to protect animals? what measures can be taken to deal with this problem?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
298 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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