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Why would you be a great participant?

Why would you be a great participant? 706Ly
Firstly, leadership is one of the crucial aspect of our life. At the beginning of my thoughtful life, I was not the person who was leader in group. But, there was big "but"in my case. Approximately 4 years ago, I was in a camp organized by "World Vision" between a very beautiful mountains and lots of people, some of them were older than me. We called them mentors. In this camp, my whole personality changed, I become very active person, because I was liking helping others and organizing all things to do. It become very serious for instance I try to organize every day (in my night thoughts) and act then. After this camp, at school everyone was telling me that I was changed a lot. It also reflect on my face. I started shining and also teachers mentioned this changes about me. I made a lot of new friends and unconsciously I became a leader however I hardly never admit it. On the other hand, I am really keen on to help "shy"persons to develop. I know that this small amount of leadership sense is not enough for me and also want to gain this charasteristic. For as long as I remember myself I always wanted to visit USA and american people. I think that I would be a good participant for Global UGRAD Program because of my hospitality and willingness to absorb new information. Furthermore, currently I live in Poland and honestly this country does not attract me so much, so just in case I am goung to change country to study more. For example, I always needed to study abroad, independently from my family overseas and become adult sooner. I was very lazy person, but fortunately I am very goal-oriented person who do everything to achieve my goals or dreams. To be honest, If I really have the opportunity to participate in Global UGRAD Program, I will probably be 100% shocked at first and won't able to speak out. After that, my first steps will be motivate myself and fulfill for only good things that will happen in my life. Finally, I consider that everything what I wanted to write is that. Sometimes, I lose my hope and become very useless but as I already said I am very goal-oriented and If this year is not lucky for me, I will try to do my best to take part in such programs, because I feel that I can do much more. Often, it torments me that I am not good enough and have not done everything yet, so I prefer to work hard and achieve the best result. I absolutely know that this form of essay is not formal, but I am better able to introduce myself to you than already written words that are template for everyone. Personally, I always choosing non formal way to study more or learn more than boring way because all of information that I know today is getting nonformal way. One day, I may become a teacher, and of course want to learn children that studying is the most interesting thing in the world and not boring, forced action. That's all.
Firstly
, leadership is one of the crucial aspect of our life. At the beginning of my thoughtful life, I was not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who was leader in group.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
in my case. Approximately 4 years ago, I was in a camp organized by
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
World Vision
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
between a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
mountains and lots of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them were older than
In formal / written English, it is recommended that you use a subject pronoun.
me
. We called them mentors. In this camp, my whole personality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
The verb 'liking' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
was liking
helping others and organizing all things to do. It
Did you mean "becomes"?
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
serious
for instance
I try to organize every day (in my night thoughts) and act then. After this camp, at school everyone was telling me that I was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
a lot. It
also
Did you mean "reflects"?
reflect
on my face. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
shining and
also
teachers mentioned this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
about me. I made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
new friends and
unconsciously
I became a leader
however
I
Did you mean "hardly ever"?
hardly never
admit it.

On the other hand
, I am
really
keen on to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
shy
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
persons to develop. I know that this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of leadership sense is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for me and
also
want to gain this
Possible spelling mistake found.
charasteristic
. For as long as I remember myself I always wanted to visit USA and
Possible spelling mistake found.
american
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that I would be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
participant for Global
Possible spelling mistake found.
UGRAD
Program
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of my hospitality and willingness to absorb new information.
Furthermore
,
currently
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in Poland and
honestly
this country does not attract me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
in case I am
Possible spelling mistake found.
goung
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
country to study more.
For example
, I always needed to study abroad,
The usual collocation for "independently" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independently of"?
independently from
my family overseas and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
adult sooner. I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
lazy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
fortunately
I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
goal-oriented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who do everything to achieve my goals or dreams.

To be honest, If I
really
have the opportunity to participate in Global
Possible spelling mistake found.
UGRAD
Program, I will
probably
be 100% shocked at
first
and won't able to speak out. After that, my
first
steps will be
Consider using the past participle "motivated"?
motivate
myself and fulfill for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things that will happen in my life.

Finally
, I consider that everything what I wanted to write is that.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, I lose my hope and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useless
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as I already said I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
goal-oriented and If this year is not lucky for me, I will try to do my best to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in such programs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I feel that I can do much more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Often
, it torments me that I am not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and have not done everything
yet
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I prefer to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and achieve the best result. I
absolutely
know that this form of essay is not formal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I am better able to introduce myself to you than already written words that are template for everyone.
Personally
,
Did you mean "I'm always choosing", "I am always choosing" or "I was always choosing"?
I always choosing
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non formal
way to study more or learn more than boring way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Consider using "all information" or "all of the information".
all of information
that I know
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
is getting
Possible spelling mistake found.
nonformal
way. One day, I may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a teacher, and
of course
want to learn children that studying is the most interesting thing in the world and not boring, forced action. That's all.
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IELTS essay Why would you be a great participant?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
530 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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