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why traditional usiv is more important than international music? Agree or disagree

why traditional usiv is more important than international music? Agree or disagree eRLWB
Music has been around since man has been on earth. Because men were in different areas of the word. The people were used to listening to music for dancing, for example, as spiritual ceremonies and also to celebrate different situations. To illustrate the vast world of the music, we can say nowadays everybody are is using songs in marketing, television, as well in a class for relaxing. It’s a matter of entertainment do a task along a with music. Depending on the point of view, the traditional music is more important today. For example, traditional music brings people together and this can support an argument in some countries around the world where the traditional music is highlighted when you notice the way of life as an relevant evidence. In comparison of traditional music and international music, there is an argument that defines the importance of traditional music today, such as patriotism, especially when we talk about international music. This could be everything that is not a traditional song of a country. Furthermore, it is a sort of learning different cultures around the world. Finally, the traditional music despite to being lost and forgotten today, there is always time to have a rescue of good songs from old times and enjoy better lyrics
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
has been around since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
has been on earth.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas of the word. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for dancing,
for example
, as spiritual ceremonies and
also
to celebrate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations.

To illustrate the vast world of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, we can say nowadays everybody
The pronoun 'everybody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "is", "was", "were".
are
is

using songs in marketing, television,
as well
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
for relaxing. It’s a matter of

entertainment do a task along a with music.

Depending on the point of view, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
together and this can support an

argument in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries around the world where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is highlighted
when you notice the way of life as
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
relevant evidence.

In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
comparison
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, there is an

argument that defines the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, such as

patriotism,
especially
when we talk about international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. This could be everything
that is


not a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
song of a country.
Furthermore
, it is a sort of learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different


cultures around the world.

Finally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
despite to
being lost
and forgotten

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, there is always time to have a rescue of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
songs from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
times and

enjoy better lyrics
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IELTS essay why traditional usiv is more important than international music? Agree or disagree

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
211 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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