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Some issues while writing essay

Some issues while writing essay 8Q2bm
It is said that Man made Money, but Money also makes Man. Money is anything that makes you achieve almost everything, it is the biggest power which every human being wants to have. In the first part, I will explain how money is important and how having a lot of it can make you happy. Secondly, I will share the things apart from money which can give you the same emotion. We need money to buy even the smallest thing, right from pen till the penthouse, the world revolves around it. Your power is measured basis on the money you have, the more you have, the more powerful or happy you are. It is the money which gives you the feeling of superiority and ultimately makes you happy. Money speaks in the way we want; you can buy things that can make you happy, if not happiness. The best example of this is the world's richest Man, Jeff Bezos. Hence, we can say that having abundance of money can make you happy. On the other hand, happiness is a broader term and not necessarily limited to money. The significance of happiness isn't the same for everyone; for a child the joy is to play, for a teenager it is the thrill which makes him/her happy. For few people, what makes them happier than to have money is to spend time with the closed ones. Money can buy anything but not everything, hence I believe that it can't buy emotions like friendship, love, care etc. which actually makes a person happy. The best example for this is Mother Teresa, it was never money but serving others got her peace and joy. To conclude, I believe money is important to have a stable life and provides material satisfaction; however it can't be the center point, and we should think about what actually makes us happy and strive for it.
It
is said
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Man
made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Man
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is anything that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
you achieve almost everything, it is the biggest power which every human being wants to have. In the
first
part, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and how having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
Secondly
, I will share the things apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which can give you the same emotion.

We need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
even the smallest thing, right from pen till the penthouse, the world revolves around it. Your power
is measured
basis on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
you have, the more you have, the more powerful or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
you are. It is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which gives you the feeling of superiority and
ultimately
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
speaks in the way we want; you can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
things that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, if not happiness. The best example of this is the world's richest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Man
, Jeff Bezos.
Hence
, we can say that having abundance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
you happy.

On the other hand
, happiness is a broader term and not
necessarily
limited to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. The significance of happiness isn't the same for everyone; for a child the joy is to play, for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
it is the thrill which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
him/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. For few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them happier than to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is to spend time with the closed ones.

Money can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
anything
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not everything,
hence
I believe that it can't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
emotions like friendship,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, care etc. which actually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. The best example for this is Mother Teresa, it was never
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
serving others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
her peace and joy.

To conclude
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have a stable life and provides material satisfaction;
however
it can't be the center point, and we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about what actually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and strive for it.
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IELTS essay Some issues while writing essay

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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