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Why the government think the economy improvement is the most important goal. However other people think other qualities is important for their country. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

Why the government think the economy improvement is the most important goal. However other people think other qualities is important for their country. raagN
Most of the states and their staff believe that having the perfect economy is the most important things which they should do. In contrast some people emphasize that another elements are vital too for the country. In my opinion, we needs special other things more than money to live. On the one hand, a group of individuals such as governmental ethnicity presents the view that development in a country needs economic succeed. They have some reasons: firstly, if crowd had appropriate circumstances in their life such as having house, something to eat and sufficient income for living, they would have a free mind to think about other things. secondly as always financial issues can see and feel by nations, if the ministry of economy had an extraordinary improvement everybody would know and talk about that. Thirdly, this group argue that, If we have a perfect quality of life the other things could come true and we wouldn't worry about them. On the other hand some people justifiable argue that, cultural issues are more important than money, for example human being needs a liberty in social life, in addition the power should boost infrastructure such as respecting regulations or laws to have comfortable life instead of being wealthy or living in a luxury and modern city. whereas others believe that this point of view is so far from the real life or its imaginary thinking. I strongly agree with the latter opinion. In conclusion, the authority worried about financial problems all the time in many countries, due to the result of poverty and in appropriate circumstances. Therefore attempting to solve this problem. in opposite some individuals persist that human needs lots of things more than money such as freedom.
Most of the states and their staff believe that having the perfect economy is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things which they should do. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
contrast
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
emphasize that another elements are vital too for the country. In my opinion, we
The pronoun 'we' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "need"
needs
special
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things more than money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

On the one hand, a group of individuals such as governmental ethnicity presents the view that development in a country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
economic succeed. They have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons:
firstly
, if crowd had appropriate circumstances in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
such as having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, something to eat and sufficient income for living, they would have a free mind to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
secondly
as always financial issues can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and feel by nations, if the ministry of economy had an extraordinary improvement everybody would know and talk about that.
Thirdly
,
The verb 'argue' is plural. Did you mean: "this group argues"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this group argue
that, If we have a perfect quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
true and
we wouldn't worry about them. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
justifiable argue that, cultural issues are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than money,
for example
human being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
a liberty in social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
in addition
the power should boost infrastructure such as respecting regulations or laws to have comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
instead
of being wealthy or living in a luxury and modern city.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
whereas
others believe that this point of view is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far from the real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
or its imaginary thinking. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter opinion.

In conclusion
, the authority worried about financial problems all the time in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, due to the result of poverty and in appropriate circumstances.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
attempting to solve this problem.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
opposite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals persist that human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
lots of things more than money such as freedom.
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IELTS essay Why the government think the economy improvement is the most important goal. However other people think other qualities is important for their country.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
288 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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