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Why do we need Music? Should music be international or traditional?

Why do we need Music? Should music be international or traditional? PkDOd
Music is an important aspect to many and cultures around the globe. In this essay, I will try to answer why do people need music and whether if we should respect the international music with the price of traditional music. Many people think that music is the most important aspect of their life, and creating or listening to music was (and still is) a keystone to many cultures. People (and many animals too) create music to tell stories, express and elicit emotions. Without it, many people would feel incomplete, if not sad. As stated above, music is a keystone to many cultures. Beside the personal reasons behind music, there exists cultural reasons too. Traditional music usually tells a story, or helps create an identitiy for the people residing in it's culture. Although not existing pre-globalisation, international music too tells a story, the story of fame and money. The story is followed by it's own culture of hope. So people choosing international music essentially make a decision, to whether listen to their own cultural tales or not.
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Music
is an
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important
aspect to
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many
and
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cultures
around the globe. In this essay, I will try to answer why do
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people
need
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music
and whether if we should respect the international
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music
with the price of traditional
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music
.
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Many
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people
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think
that
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music
is the most
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important
aspect of their life, and creating or listening to
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music
was (and
still
is) a keystone to
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many
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cultures
.
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People
(and
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many
animals too) create
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music
to
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tell
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stories
, express and elicit emotions. Without it,
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many
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people
would feel incomplete, if not sad. As stated above,
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music
is a keystone to
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many
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cultures
. Beside the personal reasons behind
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music
, there exists cultural reasons too. Traditional
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music
usually
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tells
a
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story
, or
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helps
create an
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identitiy
for the
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people
residing in it's
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culture
. Although not existing
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pre-globalisation
, international
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music
too
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tells
a
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story
, the
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story
of fame and money. The
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story
is followed
by
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it's
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own
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culture
of hope.
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So
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people
choosing international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
essentially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a decision, to whether listen to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cultural tales or not.
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IELTS essay Why do we need Music? Should music be international or traditional?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
176 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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