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why do teenagers commit crimes and how can the society prevent these crimes?

why do teenagers commit crimes and how can the society prevent these crimes? GW8PL
Over the past years there has been a rise in the number of crimes committed by teenagers in many countries. It is important to understand what has happened and come up with ways to solve the problem. First of all, it is worth mentioning some of the main reasons of the increase in the number of crimes among teenagers. One important cause is the peer pressure. Many teenagers want to become popular among their friends and they are able to do almost anything in order to be admired by the others. Unfortunately, drinking alcohol before 18 years old, or buying drugs is a straightforward way to become more popular in many groups of teenagers. Another reason is many of them do not have hobbies. The lack of activity might have a negative impact on their behavior. They begin to find pleasure in doing things that are forbidden due to the adrenaline given by such things. In this way, teenagers start committing crimes related to alcohol, violence, or theft. Second of all, we have to come up with solutions to the problems we observed. Peer pressure can be reduced by the family. Parents should communicate more with their children and should provide them more support. Stories about how they managed to overcome teenager’s problems are o good way to help their children with their life experience. In addition, lack of activity can also be avoided if teenagers are encouraged by their family to practice a sport. It is impossible for teenagers not to find a sport they enjoy. Having a sport as a hobby is very beneficial not only for the physical health but also for the mental health. To conclude, it is clear that there are various reasons for this rise in crime, but solutions are available. If we start to tackle the issue now we may be able to prevent this issue declining further.
Over the past years there has been a rise in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
committed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to understand what has happened and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with ways to solve the problem.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is worth mentioning
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
main reasons of the increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
cause is the peer pressure.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
want to become popular among their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
friends and
they are able to do almost anything in order to
be admired
by the others. Unfortunately, drinking alcohol
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, or buying drugs is a straightforward way to become more popular in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
. Another reason is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them do not have hobbies. The lack of activity might have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their behavior. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to find pleasure in doing things that
are forbidden
due to the adrenaline
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by such things. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
related to alcohol, violence, or theft.

Second of all, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with solutions to the problems we observed. Peer pressure can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by the family. Parents should communicate more with their children and should provide them more support. Stories about how they managed to overcome
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager’s
problems are o
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their children with their life experience.
In addition
, lack of activity can
also
be avoided
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are encouraged
by their family to practice a sport. It is impossible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
not to find a sport they enjoy. Having a sport as a hobby is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the physical health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the mental health.

To conclude
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that there are various reasons for this rise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
solutions are available. If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to tackle the issue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
we may be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this issue declining
further
.
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IELTS essay why do teenagers commit crimes and how can the society prevent these crimes?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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