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Why do some people decide to work after school? Give reasons and solutions for this trend?

Why do some people decide to work after school? Give reasons and solutions for this trend? Nrw1d
It is certainly true that people nowadays have the abundance of selection. This happened when people are above influenced by modern life. I concur with having a lot of choice is really hard for people, but I incline that the variety means people have more opportunities to do whatever they love. With the hustle and bustle of life, people obviously tend to find some ways to relieve boredom when they feel tired. One of measures that makes them comfortable is enjoying their own preferences, and every single one of hobbies also need to be various. For instance, people going shopping will delight with many types of clothing, they were amazed by the options that sellers give them in terms of costs and shapes, or models, therefore they can buy a suitable product with pleasure. Furthermore, the variety helps people have more chances to seek the right thing to them, many choices are also good. In the other hand, the abundance of choices can drive people crazy. In some certain situations, they always afraid that their selections are right or not, they fear that they will bet their life if they choose wrong direction. For example, some people are pursuing their path on a company, they are nearly getting a career prospect, but a big deal in other company is made with higher salaries that is too easy to get “living wage”. This makes them struggle with their opinions, but it is clear that pursuing a path seems to be better than regularly changing jobs. As I personally think that every single prime is required to consider in some ways. In conclusion, I believe that having too many choices is clearly inevitable. The importance thing is people’s decision which people need to take into account.
It is
certainly
true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays have the abundance of selection. This happened when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are above influenced by modern life. I concur with having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
is
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I incline that the variety means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more opportunities to do whatever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
.

With the hustle and bustle of life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
obviously
tend to find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to relieve boredom when they feel tired. One of measures that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them comfortable is enjoying their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
preferences, and every single one of hobbies
also
need to be various.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
going shopping will delight with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of clothing, they
were amazed
by the options that sellers give them in terms of costs and shapes, or models,
therefore
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a suitable product with pleasure.
Furthermore
, the variety
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more chances to seek the right thing to them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.

In the other hand, the abundance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
can drive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
crazy. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
certain situations, they always afraid that their selections are right or not, they fear that they will bet their life if they choose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
direction.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are pursuing their path on a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, they are
nearly
getting a career prospect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
deal in other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is made
with higher salaries
that is
too easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
“living wage”. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them struggle with their opinions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that pursuing a path seems to be better than
regularly
changing jobs.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that every single prime
is required
to consider in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways.
In conclusion
, I believe that having too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
is
clearly
inevitable. The importance thing is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
decision which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to take into account.
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IELTS essay Why do some people decide to work after school? Give reasons and solutions for this trend?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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