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Why do people consider other things such as business, science, etc. to be more important?

Why do people consider other things such as business, science, etc. to be more important? GNwyo
Why do people consider other things such as business, science, etc. to be more important? Before the arts, I think that it is because since the world began to develop more in all aspects, both technological, scientific, political, economic, etc. they began to give less importance to the culture that is more common to see represented in the arts. This is not something that happened recently but I feel that right now it is more impressive as none of this is taken into account anymore and as I had already mentioned the world grows and people grow together with it, but this causes them to start to focus on other things that they believe are more important and maybe if having a business or developing yourself in science and they think that making art or working on that is not going to leave you much or help you but it is important to know your past through art. Also in turn they begin to lose their traditions and that causes them to lose interest, since this leads them to think that it is something insignificant, but it is not like that since it is very impressive how through the arts you know your culture. And if they are informed or if they worry about having more knowledge about their culture, they could have an excellent business since the one that you transmit to other people what the culture of your country is is incredible and more so for foreigners. The way in which I believe that people can be encouraged to have more interest in the arts is to try to move in each country less the foreign and more the national and that they teach us how to do business knowing our culture.
Why do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider other things such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, science, etc. to be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
since the world began to develop more in all aspects, both technological, scientific, political, economic, etc. they began to give less importance to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
that is
more common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
represented in the arts.

This is not something that happened recently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I feel that right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it is more impressive as none of this
is taken
into account anymore and as I had already mentioned the world grows and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
grow together with it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this causes them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to focus on other things that they believe are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and maybe if having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
or developing yourself in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
science and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or working on
that is
not going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
you much or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to know your past through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
Also
in turn they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to lose their traditions and that causes them to lose interest, since this leads them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is something insignificant,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not like that since it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
impressive how through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
you know your culture.

And if they
are informed
or if they worry about having more knowledge about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, they could have an excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
since the one that you transmit to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
what the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of your country
Possible typo: you repeated a word
is is
incredible and more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
for foreigners.

The way in which I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be encouraged
to have more interest in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is to try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
in each country less the foreign and more the national and that they teach us how to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
knowing our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
.
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IELTS essay Why do people consider other things such as business, science, etc. to be more important?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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