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art has been a key component of all cultures in the world.

art has been a key component of all cultures in the world. KnW13
For as long as anyone can remember, art has been a key component of all cultures in the world. In spite of that, at the present time people’s values have changed and science, technology and business are considered more relevant than arts. I consider that the difference of salary and job opportunities of an artist and a businessman can be a cause of the issue, and that schools working together with parents can help to deal with this problem. Firstly, as I mentioned before, the lack of job opportunities for artists is the main cause and reason for the undervaluation of art. When children or teenagers have the talent and they want to make that their source of income, parents tend to reject this idea due to the lack of opportunities for artists nowadays. Secondly, science, technology and business are in their best era. They have grown a lot during the past decades and there is no reason why people should try to stop that. There is a huge area of improvement and development that these need and they can only be done if humans keep working with them. Moreover, I believe, schools, parents and government should start working together to help future generations understand that what is needed in the world is a good balance of science, technology, business and art. That way, they will draw other people’s attention to art and all the work involved behind it. In conclusion, I believe that people have forgotten the balance that we need between art and science and schools, parents and governments should start working to tackle the issue and help future generations of artists.
For as long as anyone can remember,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
has been a key component of all cultures in the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
that, at the present time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
values have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, technology and business
are considered
more relevant than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. I consider that the difference of salary and job opportunities of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
and a businessman can be a cause of the issue, and that schools
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
together with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to deal with this problem.

Firstly
, as I mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, the lack of job opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
is the main cause and reason for the undervaluation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. When children or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
talent and
they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
that their source of income,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
tend to reject this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
due to the lack of opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
nowadays.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, technology and business are in their best era. They have grown a lot during the past decades and there is no reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
that. There is a huge area of improvement and development that these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
need and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be done
if humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with them.

Moreover
, I believe, schools,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
together to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
future generations understand that what
is needed
in the world is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
balance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, technology, business and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. That way, they will draw other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and all the work involved behind it.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have forgotten the balance that we need between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and schools,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
to tackle the issue and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
future generations of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
.
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IELTS essay art has been a key component of all cultures in the world.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
274 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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