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Why are you interested in attending this workshop? Briefly write about a specific issue/need in your community that you would like to address. If you have some community service experience, please describe.

Why are you interested in attending this workshop? Briefly write about a specific issue/need in your community that you would like to address. If you have some community service experience, please describe. 8QWxP
Firstly, I am in interested in attending this workshop because it is something which will help me in executing my community service project smoothly. Not only, I will be able to better figure out the loopholes, weak areas in my project but also I would also be able to work on making those loopholes dissappear through expert guidance and training that will be given in this Changemaker workshop. Secondly, the issue in my community that I'd like to address is food crisis. And I have always wanted to work on it. Since, this comes under the Sustainable Development Goal number 2: Zero Hunger, I was able to take alot facts and details under consideration while coming up with my project. I realized that many sub issues come under zero hunger and that it obviously isn't something that is gonna go easily. Food insecurity rates have been rising in my community. Thousands face acute hunger and go to bed hungry everyday. Pandemic has made the already tought to tackle situation tougher and I sincerely think that a step must be taken now. Thirdly, I have been a part of 3 community service events and I have planned one of them. First one was about collecting and going through the laws of traffic rules and regulations of my state. And using them to make an easy to access app which can help people know the importance of a driving license smoothly that people without license should'nt drive around. Reducing traffic accidents was also our goal. With the help of my state's traffic police, we were able to successfully gather the data. Second one was an entrepreneur workshop for degree students, in which we invited a CEO of a successfull business startup of my city to speak with the students and we gave the students half a days time to come up with their own business ideas and present in front of the judges we invited. Our goal was to help those young business minds in better understanding their own ideas and making them ready to start off their plans. Furthermore, under the guidance of my seniors in AFS India, I planned the third event on the day of National AFS India day. The theme was about thanking the peons, cleaning workers and watchmen of schools in our community for all of their hardwork. I planned a felicitation event for the school's cleaning staff and watchmen in one of our partnering schools. Along with my local chapter, I spoke about the importance of these people in our community and we thanked them for what they have done. We also gave them each a gift after the shawl felicitation ceremony followed by a group photograph.
Firstly
, I am in interested in attending this workshop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is something which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
me in executing my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service project
smoothly
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, I will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to better figure out the loopholes, weak areas in my project
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
I would
also
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to work on making those loopholes
Possible spelling mistake found.
dissappear
through expert guidance and training that will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in this
Possible spelling mistake found.
Changemaker
workshop.

Secondly
, the issue in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
that I'd like to address is food crisis. And I have always wanted to work on it. Since, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
under the Sustainable Development Goal number 2: Zero Hunger, I was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to take
Possible spelling mistake found.
alot
facts and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
under consideration while coming up with my project. I realized that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sub issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
under zero hunger and that it
obviously
isn't something
that is
The word 'gonna' is informal. Consider an alternative.
gonna
go
easily
. Food insecurity rates have been rising in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. Thousands face acute hunger and go to bed hungry
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
. Pandemic has made the already
Possible spelling mistake found.
tought
to tackle situation tougher and I
sincerely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a step
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

Thirdly
, I have been a part of 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and I have planned one of them.
First
one was about collecting and going through the laws of traffic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations of my state. And using them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
easy to access
app which can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
know the importance of a driving license
smoothly
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
without license
Did you mean "shouldn't"?
should'nt
drive around. Reducing traffic accidents was
also
our goal. With the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of my state's traffic police, we were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to
successfully
gather the data. Second one was an entrepreneur workshop for degree students, in which we invited a CEO of a
Possible spelling mistake found.
successfull
business startup of my city to speak with the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
students and
we gave the students half
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a day" or simply "days"?
a days
time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and present in front of the judges we invited. Our goal was to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
those young business minds in better understanding their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and making them ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
off their plans.

Furthermore
, under the guidance of my seniors in AFS India, I planned the third
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
on the day of National AFS India day. The theme was about thanking the peons, cleaning workers and watchmen of schools in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
for all of their
Possible spelling mistake found.
hardwork
. I planned a felicitation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
for the school's cleaning staff and watchmen in one of our partnering schools. Along with my local chapter, I spoke about the importance of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
community and
we thanked them for what they have done. We
also
gave them each a gift after the shawl felicitation ceremony followed by a group photograph.
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IELTS essay Why are you interested in attending this workshop? Briefly write about a specific issue/need in your community that you would like to address. If you have some community service experience, please describe.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
451 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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